The Gooses Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse Part Four Chapter One

Yes Assholes…Z Day is coming…and if you aren’t prepared you better get started…you think I’m talking Bullshit…YOUR LOSS…and the ZOMBIES’ GAIN…you might as well stick a label on your forehead saying:

“ZOMBIE CHOW”!!!

You are going to need some serious weaponry and weapon skills in the post apocalypse era…and if you think you will just hide out in your Ivory Tower, whilst the years while away, hoping not to come into contact with any other zombies or people…then you SUCK!

The Zombie Apocalypse is the only apocalypse that is not only Feasible but also UBERCOOL….no no no…SUBZERO COOL!

Why?

Hell, we can kill, maim , dismember, torture, shoot, behead and stab as many people as possible. Yeah, it sounds terrible doesn’t it? But in what society are we allowed to express our deepest darkest desires without the moral obligation?  

Hell…I would LOVE to show Justin Beiber what I really really think of him…yes Beiber fans…he will be zombified. Nevermind shooting that bastard/bitch of an ex point blank in the forehead…hell I get goosies thinking about it.

The best part is…there is no jail…and no guilt…they were zombies…it was your duty to send them to kingdom come. You will be looked apon as a hero…that is if anyone knows about you.

So you need a super stacked armory to get yourself going. I have already given you some gunspiration and if you’ve been to lazy to do your homework I’ll hold your hand and guide you through the maze that is Z Day Weaponry

MELEE’ WEAPONS

These weapons are obviously not guns and are for use in close quarter combat…at this point you are surrounded by a bunch of flesh eating brain dead zombies looking to munch on your brains. Personally, I am not too fond of being in arms width of a zombie, and to be honest in the best of circumstances this would not happen, but we have to prepare for anything and who knows…you could be doing a weapon/food run and you might be lurched at by a lucky or not so lucky zombie.

A word of warning when it comes to close range combat…please make sure you have a visor/mask that covers your face. Remember you will be at least in arms length of a zombie and the likelihood of blood spattering all over the place while trying to dispatch one of these critters…and blood in anyone of your orifices’ means infection…GAME OVER.  

BASEBALL BATS/CRICKET BATS

Wooden and Metal(only baseball bats), bats are pretty awesome. Batter up…these may not be too effective in crushing a zombies skull but definitely in slowing them down when you are faced with more than one. And if you are faced with a single undead being feel free to pulp his brains to bits. Available pretty much everywhere, I recommend you have 5 metal bats and 10 wooden bats in your armory before the apolcalypse.

Nothing beats the satisfying Thwack of a baseball bat against the head of a Zombie…

TIRE IRON/CROWBAR/BATONS, ETC

These items are only being listed here because they may not be perfect for use against a Zombie, but can be used when nothing else is on hand. Remember that you will have a tire iron in the event that you are travelling in a car and a crowbar obviously to break into building for supplies, etc. There is very little probability of killing a zombie with these weapons so dont even try…the motive here is SUBDUE AND RUN.

MACHETE

Long or short these weapons rock…this is for the more blood thirty Zombie hunter that likes to see the terror in the undeads eyes…not really…but you catch my drift.  You can hack at a zombies skull and even make an effort to decapitate or dismember the zombie…just imagine one desperately crawling toward you without any limbs…there is a sick satisfaction in there somewhere…you know it.

KNIVES

Utility knives and combat knives are the best. We are looking for a dual purpose here. Again a knife will not kill your zombie attacker but it’s just enough for you to get away. I quite like the Trench knife which comes with a knuckleduster type handle for ease of use. A Katar…well..look it up…you can punch a zombies face off with one of these! Bayonets are knife blades attached to the end of your gun/s, use only as a last resort but a must in making sure you have all your bases covered.

KATANA

For the ninja in all of us. Hard to come by, but if you are able to get one before the shit hits the fan…learn to use it and sharpen it properly. With this weapon Zombie hordes may just cower in your shadow. The katana will slice and dice Zombies into itty bitty pieces…fancy some filleted zombie?

AXE

The standard axe is pretty much also one of those multi purpose tools…not very effective for multiple killings as the blade will probably embed itself into an undead skull and thats the end of that as a weapon.

OTHER

Now I know you all are sitting there thinking :

“Hell you skipped alot!”

Well yes. I am not going to bother to mention cool sounding weapons such as the Shaolin Spade, or Flail…partly due to the fact that to find genuine items such as this, that are actually able to cause bodily harm, is barely possible and even if you could the amount you would pay for it would be put to better use on some proper weaponry….such as GUNS!

And then I hear you ask about the chainsaw…. other than the fact that it is either reliant on gas or electricity, which will be scarce if not impossible to come by post apocalypse…chainsaws are large awkward weapons that without proper handling will have you most likely seeing your bits chopped off (see Dawn of the Dead bus scene… some poor asshole loses more than an arm!)

Thats about it for Melee’ weapons…you can add your two cents…but remember…your aim is not to be up front and personal with an undead warrior…

Next Chapter…we start looking into the COOL STUFF…be on the lookout…and remember…THE END IS NIGH!

The Gooses Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse Part Four

So…you almost thought for a second there that I was Zombie fodder…well if you were paying any attention to my first installments you’ll realize we are far from being prepared for the apocalypse.

Let’s talk Guns and Weapons….my favourite subject.

Yes, you want an arsenal of weapons….you need to remember that come Z-Day you want to already have all your weapons on hand….this is to avoid the looting scenario…you know…when everyone realizes its the end of the world and they ALL rush off to the local gun shop to get their weapons only to realize the local gun owner has gone bossies and is using hand grenades to deter anyone coming within 500 yards of his door.

Note: some of you are thinking let’s become a gun shop owner…therefore plenty weapons at your disposal…well have you not just read the above? These poor guys are going to be mobbed and most likely killed within the first 24 hours of the first Zombie reports either in the paper or on the news.

So you want to be buying your weaponry well in advance…hell…you are going to be the local gun store owner very happy(little does he know his awesome sales now will not help his lifestyle whatsoever as he will be coming to an abrupt end not too far in the future!

It would also do you a lot of good to contact some illegal weapons dealers so you can get your hands on some military grade hard core guns and ammo.

Now…before we go into detail about exactly which weapons to use….because there are so many awesome guns out there…let’s look for inspiration.

Strangely enough…Zombie movies only really promote two weapons……namely the shotgun and the machete. No one will deny that these two weapons are a must to have in your weapons cache( and multiples at that…at least 10 shotguns and 10 machetes with enough ammo to bring down a horde of flesh eating Zombies!

So…back to some Gunspiration.

First and foremost….Terminator 1, 2 and 3….specifically number 3 where Sarah Connors casket does not in fact contain her body but awesomely is a weapons cache of note….my favourite….the Bazooka…and if you don’t know what that is…please do yourself a favour and kill yourself now(you are not worthy of seeing the apocalypse LOSER!)

Again these movies demonstrate the importance of a shotgun…hell if a few rounds from a shotgun can slow down a terminator cyborg from the future where the machines are in control….well then you know a shotgun will totally ruin a zombies day.

Next up…and yes my movie inspiration has dried up completely at this point…we now need to introduce the man and legend of guns and weapons use…this guy is so totally awesome that he knew that to be successful in his endeavour as the expert in all things related to weapons he would have to change his name and adopt a Russian accent…..some say he is even russian spy…he is no other than…..

Dmitri from the FPS Russia

Even Dmitri knows the importance of Z-Day preparedness and has a host of You tube clips dedicated to teaching us how and where to and what weapons to use in the event of a zombie invasion.

This guy is not cool…he transcended cool many ages ago…when he showed us how to use a flamethrower properly, how tracers work(uber fokken cool) and how to use explosive rounds( all important when blowing zombie scum into smithereens- don’t you just love that word? SMITHEREENS!)

Next up in the series we will go over exactly what weapons are needed for the Zombie Apocalypse.

And for those of you that got this far….add your suggestions….as I said in the previous installment….the internet is a safe connection to others before the end of our world to Zombie scum.

Have nice Day

The Gooses Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse Part Three

Hey guys and girls…welcome to the next part in my Z Day Survival Series. If you haven’t already read the first four parts…get your ass moving…your life depends on it…the end is nigh and the unprepared shall…you know…die(or turn into zombies or both!).

Part One

Part Two Chapter One

Part Two Chapter Two

Today I want to discuss the issue of companionship before, during and after Z Day. Do you want to be surrounded by friends and family or by a bunch of hillbilly hardasses(the right answer here is a bunch of hillbilly hardasses by the way.)

Companionship

Before the fateful day comes a knocking it is highly recommended that you remain a loner, you avoid friends and family and most of the general populace,we do not want emotional ties before Z Day. Your priority is to survive the first few weeks of the apocalypse, this mean laying low and holing up in your hideout and the less people you care about ad vice versa the more likely you are to survive(you wont have the burning need to go out and find lost family members or save the love of your life from certain death and you wont have hordes of people knocking on your door knowing that you were the most prepared for the inevitable when they laughed at you while you were stockpiling).

The above does not apply to your internet family…and I am not implying your facebook friends or your twitter followers…I am talking about the ”believers”, yes, we are out there and there are many groups. Now you want to be a part   of these   groups, because they will be as prepared as you are for Z Day. This group will most likely be your best chance of sanity during the apocalypse whilst the internet is up and running. And once the dust has settled you will need to converge with one another to begin a new world order.

During the upheaval of the apocalypse up the    post apocalypse(when everyone that can be infected has been infected and all the initial destruction and mayhem have taken place) you are going to be pretty lonely. Afterall we want zero physical contact with anyone at this time. You must be hidden from the world if you are going to survive it. For this I suggest alot meditational practice and then of course alot of books…preferably survival guides(you can never learn too much!) and then some Stephen King and Dean Koontz novels(just because they are my favourite authors). You can also concentrate on exercise and getting buff…you want to be a lean mean killing machine, remember?)

Post Apocalypse survival methods vary, if you have a solid home base to live in, do so for as long as possible, if in the event that your home has been compromised(you have the neighbourhoods zombies at your door or someone has found you), it is best for you to move on. It is always wise to travel alone, you areless conspicuous this way. If you have a “friend” make sure that they are not female or children, the liklihood of them surviving over you is huge(watch any horror movie…the kid almost never dies due to the fact that the hero would rather sacrifice themselves before letting an “innocent” die.) You also dont want a sneaky looking quiet guy either….these people will betray you the first second they get…they deem themselves and their lives far more important than yours.

As I said you want the hillbilly type on your side,other than the fact thatthey can be pretty loud and annoying, they are usually very paranoid, so armed and prepared forsuch events as Z Day and they will have an armory of weapons stashed in their bombshelter somewhere in the sticks. They also love killing things(even squirrels unfortunately and they will go beserk on a zombie within range, which means you save on bullets and the risk of infection. They are also very hard to emotionally connect to, so if and when they are infected you will not think twice before putting a bullet through their brains.

The other type of person is the type like you, the ones you spoke to on your internet groups, they will be carbon copies of you. Dont know how to recognise thisperson…well think of Columbus from Zombieland…

Looks can be decieving...this guy is actually a Zombinator of note!

The Gooses Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse Part Two Chapter Two

So far in my series we have discussed the following:

Moving to a Third World Country and Working from Home

Cashing In Your Policies and Food Stockpiling

In this installment we continue with what you need before the Zombie Apocalypse strikes

5. Apocalypse Clothing

So you don’t think it matters what you are wearing during and post apocalypse…well think again.

In the event that you are not at home when the apocalypse strikes(idiot), you will not want to be wearing stiletto heels or sporting hair any longer than bald.

What NOT TO WEAR come Zombie Apocalypse

The reasons here are pretty simple. A zombie might not be able to run fast, but they have strength in numbers and the uncanny way of popping up in unexpected places, ready to make you a happy meal…the last thing you want is to trip over your heels or get grabbed by the hair or any loose clothing, dragged down and being eaten. Remember, only one scratch or bite and you are officially zombie toast.

Hippies will be the First to Go

So do yourself a favour, buy yourself some trimmers and keep your hair cropped short, preferably bald. Sorry ladies but the Zombie masses do not care what you look like, they want to eat you. Please also shave your heads. This is crucial to your survival as a woman as you already have a disadvantage(and before you feminists give me grief…look up all your horror movie/action movie female survivors and badass chicks…most are androgynous, athletic and a little “hard”, ie Sigourney Weaver(Alien franchise), Jamie Lee Curtis(Halloween), Milla Jovovich(Resident Evil), Linda Hamilton(Terminator) and the list goes on.

The Zombies Have Officially Kaked Themselves

So women…do me a favour, instead of having your nails done(because zombies dont care about that either) go learn how to shoot a gun.

You wanna become a lean, mean, zombie killing machine…with th apporpriate attire.

Buy yourself more than a few sets of trainers and close fitting clothing, go to your local sport store and stock up, remember to buy neutral colours as zombies can see you and you don’t want to be caught out because you couldn’t resist buying that neon pink leotard.

Please don’t get complacent here, you may look like a tool before the apocalypse, but you will be the one laughing when Z Day comes.

6. Exercise

And lots of it. I am talking about a home gym that will have you running, cycling and doing resistance training. You want to be fitter than a triathlete competing in the Olympics. The aim is to be able to go long distances without stopping. You need to be fit, especially when it come to zombies. Like I said they are slow but persistant and will not stop so you need to outrun and outlast the buggers.

Fat Boys finish Last...as portayed in Zombieland

Exercise also helps to alleviate boredom(something that will be inevitable post Z Day), so it will help while away the hours post apocalypse when there will be no TV for you to watch.

Stay Tuned for our next chapter…

The Gooses Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse Part Two Chapter One

To recap on the first part of my guide to surviving the Zombie Apocalypse:

1. Make sure you are living in a Third World country with an investment in Sustainable Energy.

2. Either work in an environment that has as little contact with other people as possible, or become a stay at home gamer/computer geek/slacker.

In this part of my guide we are going to look at stockading and defences before the Apolocalypse as well as the “human factor”.

3. Cash In Those Policies

Yes, cash in your retirement annuities, life policies, university funds and investments. Why? Well if you are going to be fully prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse you need to note a few things:

a) It is more than likely thathe apocalypse will occur in the next 10 years. If we have a look at the advances in technology, warfare and bio chemical weapons and research and the political state of the world, some idiot somewhere is bound to unleash the virus sooner rather than later. So you are saving all those pennies for an old age, where you may already be dead or living in a world that knows nothing about consumerism and currency, stocks or bonds.

b) You will need your cash now to begin stockpiling and storing weapons, food and basic essentials. Not only this but you need to make sure that the home you are living in is Zombie Proof. Because, if you have been keeping up so far, you will most likely be at home when the Apocalypse begins.

4. Stockpiling Food

There are a few parts to making sure you have enough food for the apocalypse.

Firstly, you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that you will one day basically be a vegetarian. Meat is going to be hard to come by and difficult to keep, so prepare yourself now by eating meat only once every month, because you might not be getting it even that often once the apocalypse arrives. You want to leave your home as little as possible, if at all, to prevent unnecessary infection/sightings/etc.

Secondly, as many of you may have thought, that on the verge of or at the beginning of the apocalypse you’ll hightail it to the local mall and either raid\loot it for all you want or to cosy up there like they did in Dawn of The Dead:

Well dumbass…you are in for a shock. You will be one among thousands of hopeless losers that all think the same. Everyone will either want to leave town or stockpile, so you are in for major traffic congestion and super long queues at the local mall(which equals sitting ducks for hungry zombies). And it is thanks to Dawn of the Dead that will make every idiot that has seen the movie decide go to one.

Your aim here s to make sure you don’t have to do a damn thing when the shit hits the fan, other than enjoy the end of the world from the comfort of your home.

Remember I told you to cash in your policies…well you are going to be buying alot of stuff NOW. Preparation and foresight is much better than being an asshole that will be turned to a zombie because he decided to leave his Z Day shopping til the last minute.

Food is a major priority for obvious reasons. We are looking at loads of canned goods, vacuum packed food, even better - army and space rations. The further away the expiry date, the better. You also want to buy seeds…why…well canned goods and rations aren’t going to last forever and when they do run out, you had better have your own vegetable garden growing(where this garden will be shall be revealed later). You will also need to learn the art of canning and preserving your food.

Don’t forget huge drums for water storage, water is life, so this is a must. You will have your own borehole(more of that soon), so you will be getting plenty of fresh water to live on. Remember coffee(and tons of it…literally), this my seem to be a luxury, but its good to have when you need to be extra vigilant.

Chapter Two of Part Two coming soon.

The Goose’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse Part One

Now you all might think I may be a little crazy for evening writing about a zombie apocalypse, do I really think that zombies are going to take over the world?

Well as far fetched as the idea as it may be, I do find it a viable apocalypse theory. There is more plausiblity in a zombie zombie apocalypse than, say, a comet hitting the earth. Although a nuclear holocaust and a war against machines is also probable.

But the likelihood of surviving the impact of a comet(unless you are super filthy rich and can afford a ticket on board the shuttle U.S.S. Freedom) youare shit out of luck.

And your chances of survival during a war with machines? Well if your name just happens to be John Connor you are in luck, sort of (who wants to be hunted down by time travelling super cyborg’s hell bent on assasinating you……Not me).

So, the most plausible apocalypse where you are most likely to survive is a Zombie Apocalypse. It is also one where you would actually like to survive - as dealing with brainless, flesh eating zombies that are inherently slow(unless dealing with “I am Legend” zombies) you dont need to have a degree or even a black belt. Hell, the more you watch movies, play x box or surf the net, the more likely you’ll be able to qualify as a survivor.

1. COUNTRY

So first thing’s first…the Zombie Apocalypse has not yet arrived, but every day we are living on borrowed time, waiting for the inevitable day that CNN/SKY News releases news that there has been an outbreak.

The initial outbreak will most likely occur in one of the following countries:

USA

China

Russia

Germany

Japan

These are currently among the most powerful countries in the world, and as much as they would like to deny it, they are also the most lkely to have secret facilities doing biological experiments(mainly for warfare purposes). And a biological weapon/cure gone wrong is the most likely reason for there being a zombie apocalypse.

So, if you are currently residing in one of thes countries it’s best to high tail it out of there ASAP. Try a developing third world country, with a low population density, and a high interest in “green living” – think solar power, sustainable energy/food sources, etc.

2. YOUR JOB

Who care’s what you do for a living right? When the world is overrun with zombies noone is going to care whether you were a high powered banker or a burger flipper, right?

You may be right, but have you not considered that what you do for a living may put you at risk of becoming a zombie during the outbreak?

Well, I have news for you…

If you are a medical doctor(applies also to pharmacists and anyone else dealing with and dispensing medication) you are fucked. It’s logic. Within those first intial days you will be infected. This is regardless of whether you are in private practice or working at a hospital. When these people get sick they are going to come to YOU. What’s worst is you’ll probably be trying to diagnose little Sallys high fever when BAM she takes a chunk of meat from your neck.                                                                                                         

This applies for any public service profession – police force, army, cashier, burger flipper, lawyers, bankers, welfare workers, etc.

So if you see people at all in your job, it is time to quit. Become a writer, work from home, hell, rather cash in all your policies and live at home and play x box and watch zombie movies. And if anyone asks why….don’t tell them. Let them get eaten by Zombies.

The most importat thing about surviving a Zombie Apocalypse is after all, SURVIVING IT AND NOT BEING EATEN OR TURNED BEFORE THE DAMN APOCALYPSE HAS EVEN BEGUN!

That’s the end of Part One. Part Two coming shortly.