50 Shades of Twilight

Yes, the title says it all and for a change I am not going to mince my words…well I will try not to mince them too much.

After having read the first installment of the 50 shades series, I am one hundred percent convinced that EL James, the author of this series, is in fact a psuedonym for widely know and well published author who has had made millions on her debut series of novels.

Yes…EL James is none other than Stephanie Meyer.

And to make it worse…she couldn’t even think of an original storyline but in fact stole from herself.

50 Shades and Twilight are the same novels…just remove the vampires and werewolves, make all the characters a little older and add some porn…wait… Make that a lot of porn.

Anastasia Steele is Bella Swan:

Socially inept girl that has never had a boyfriend or lost her virginity. Actually quite pretty but has a really low self esteem with a lip biting problem. Very smart and loves reading old English literature that mimics her life circumstances. Stays in a cold rainy wet city with little sunshine. An eccentric mother that lives in a hot sunny city miles away from her daughter. Has a male friend who has the hots for her and she only sees him as a brother and a best friend who is completely self absorbed.

Christian Grey is Edward Cullen:

The adopted son of wealthy parents, one being a doctor. Handsome, intense and dangerous. A very jealous man that believes in as little “meaningful” physical contact as possible. Someone that love playing sad sack songs on the piano alone and serious stalker issues.

The storyline is virtually the same:

Two people that would never under normal circumstances fall for each other but due to his serious issues – Christian is a Bdsm nut and Edward a vampire.
The heroine deals with the conflict of being a good girl and saying no to the possessive stalker boyfriend but mostly kisses his ass all the time while obsessing about him and the way he moves, talks, kisses and other darker sexual talents. Nevermind the fact that she is actually a sex addict (yes Bella Swan is a sex addict…just read their honeymoon trip over).

Oh yes!

Did I mention that both Anastasia and Christian even in their twenties don’t like clubbing and going to pubs and drinking and listening to current music.

No they stay @ home and listen to classical music?

Good Lord…just close your eyes and you will see that the only man that can play Christian Grey is Robert Pattinson and the only peron who can play Bella…oops…I meant Anastasia is none other than Kristin Stewart.

And you’d think Stephanie Meyer would’ve brushed up on her writing skills…but no…50 Shades takes the cake in shitty handwriting…Inner Godess my Ass!!!!

Never mind that, but she makes a bestseller again with the same drivel!

We are tired of being told that we should have and pursue a relationship with a seriously fucked up, obsessive, controlling, stalker Sadist that has a bag load of money and is more miserable than pig shit.

And if you want tips on great sex…buy a porn magazine. They say a picture is worth a thousand words….hell I would say most porn mags are in fact literary genius compared to the vomit inducing rubbish that is know as 50 Shades(Twilight for Adults).

Please excuse me while my Inner Goddess puke a little bit in her mouth!

Bella Swan:Worlds Worst Role Model (Another Twilight Criticism)

It was inevitable that I would eventually write about Bella Swan, the Twilight series heroine.

Unfortunately I do not have much good to say about her, other than the fact that she reads, but then, her novel choices consist of classics like Emily Bronte and William Shakespeare…puke…what teenage girl willingly reads(and enjoys) high school setworks?

Bella Swan is clearly a girl that doesn’t give much of a damn about her physical appearance obviously mostly due to her complete lack of self esteem. And yes, perhaps we all did have self esteem issues, but Bella Swan is not doing any suicidal gawky weird emo girls any favours. In fact she is encouraging them to be suicidal gawky weird emo girls. That way an old, not really hot, creepy obsessive pedophile stalker will fall in love with them and they will live (un)happily ever after.

She is almost completely passive in the movie, wait I lie, this girl never learns. She is always getting into trouble, and opposed to the way she is described in the book as “attracting” trouble, she is really looking for it. Like dating a vampire isn’t asking for it. Or walking alone in an industrial area of a major city, or cliff diving? The girl has a death wish, hell she asks to be killed throughout the series:

“Oh Edward, please bite me, please kill me, pretty please, with a cherry on top?” Bella swoons dramatically into Edwards arms.

Also she has no sense of style whatsoever…girl…if you are a teenager…you would have a copy of “Seventeen” somewhere, with all the clothing advice needed…seriously…plaid and denims are reserved for hill billies only.

Bella Swan is th worst leading character of a novel ever. If you write, even a little bit, even if you watch a decent movie, you will know that the lead character is more often than not a DYNAMIC character. Meaning that over the course of the story,they learn from their mistakes and build character, adapt and grow.

Bella Swan does none of the above. She remains a spoilt stubborn brat throughout the series.

And my final argument:

Bella Swan is a NECROPHILIAC.

A Necro what?

Urban Dictionary Definition: One who is obsessed with dead bodies, and in some cases enjoying having sex with corpses.

The corpse is Edward Cullen.

Also:

Bella Swan is into Beastiality

Beastie what?

Urban Dictionary Definition: The act of having sweaty sexual relations with one or more animals. Some find it very pleasurous.

The Beast being Jacob Black.

Bella Swan is a nutcase, she should be locked up in a padded room and they should throw away the key.

Why Jacob Black makes Twilight Sort of Bareable

Jacob Black, one of the lead characters in the Twilight series, is perhaps the only reason why the franchise has ever made money and been the success it has been.

Why?

He is the only real and relatable character introduced to us(other than the fact that he turns into a werewolf every now and then).

Firstly, when th author of Twilight was writng the novels, Jacob was purely meant to be a means for Bella to find out about the “Cold Ones”(vampires). He was only supposed to last a couple of pages, and the novels would then go back to focusingo the warped relatioship that is Edward and Bella. But while Stephanie Meyer was writing this sequence it suddenly dawned on her that Jacob Black was way too awesome to be written off.

To prove my point, take the books and the movies and cut out all the parts about and related to Jacob Black. What are you left with? A steaming pile of [insert expletive here]. Here is a simple breakdown:

Twilight – If Bella never finds out from Jacob that Edward is a “cold one” would she still want to be with the miserable geek that accosts her every now and then and stalks her and watches her while she sleeps? No, because Edward would never have the balls to tell her what he really is and she would have most likely ended up being a midnight snack. The end.

New Moon – If Jacob did not exist Bella would have killed herself shortly after Edward left her. Then Edward would have killed himself. The end.

Eclipse – If Jacob did not exist the renagade vampires led by Victoria would have killed all the Cullens and Bella. The end.

As for Breaking Dawn, well we wont go there, I really want all the Twi hards to go waste their money before I spoil it for them. And if you have seen the movie and read the books, you an pretty much tell where I am going with this. The end.

So now that weknow he is the pivotal character that Twilight revolves upon(yes, REALLY!) lets look at why he is so Awesome and so much cooler than that other “guy”.

1. Jacob is young. He isn’t an old dead fart. Nuff said.

2. Jacob has a tan. He isn’s a virtually see through glitterball.

3. Jacob has a six pack. And he is half naked all the time, as opposed to the guy that dresses like an emo despite having a body like “granite”.

4. Jacob is funny. Edward is not.

5. Jacob has warrior blood(amongst other things) running in his veins. Edwards blood doesn’t run,anywhere, including down there.

6. Jacob rebuilds cars and bikes. Edward reads literature and plays classical music. Who is the man here?

7. Jacob rides bikes. Edward, despite being an “indestructable vampire” drives a Volvo.

8. Jacob is hot. Edward is not. According to the boks Jacobs core temperature runs higher than normal and Edward being dead has no core temperature.

9. Jacob is unpredictable, as a young man he has mood swings and changes into a werewolf.. Edward is predictable, throughout the series he only ever fights the urge to eat Bella and makes this known to everyone by being as miserble as he can possibly be.

10.   Jacob is happy most of the time(otherthan when he is trying to convince Bella to be happy). Edward is not happy most of the time.

Although I could easily go on to write at least another 20 reasons as to why Jacob is the bomb, the subject is starting to bore me a little bit.

Twi”Hard” or Twi”Puke”: A Twilight Dilemma

Once upon a time, what seems to be a lifetime ago, I was one of them. I have read all the books(twice in fact), I own the first three DVD’S, and yes I drooled and spoke “twifan” language for months on end. I even managed to convert a couple of friends into sparkly vampire crazed fans(I admit now that I am completely ashamed of this behaviour).

There was a time in my life that I needed Bella and Edward and Jacob. Honestly, there is a time for all women when they need to read or hear or watch a story about complete obsessive love.

Which girl/woman hasn’t felt ackward and out of place sometime in their lives?  What girl/woman hasn’t wanted a gorgeous Adonis of a man come sweep her off her feet and be completely possessive of her. What girl/woman hasn’t at least fantasized about having two totally hot men fighting over her? And all of these issues or thoughts were here long before a very smart woman saw a niche in the market and decided to write about them(and threw in some vampires and werewolves to make it that much more “magical”) and has now made millions off of these ideas.

Don’t tell me Stephanie Meyer woke up one day and decided to write about a dream she had….no this woman is a genius…she is no better than a drug dealer selling the latest product to an all to willing customer base. She knew what she was doing, and she did it well(perhaps not the actual writing which leaves much to be desired).

What’s even worse is the fact that because of the immense popularity of the books, even less creativity had to go into the movies, I mean really, apart fro the eye candy, the storyline is weak and fragmented and if you haven’t read the book you’d be wondering to yourself what the hell is going on here(like much of the cinema goers that don’t read, did).

Of course, once the initial afterglow of the books and movies died down, I started to notice the obvious flaws in this “Epic(fail) Love Story”

First and foremost: Edward Cullen is a 109 YEAR OLD VIRGIN “VEGETARIAN”(because eating antelope isn’t eating meat?) VAMPIRE and HE GOES TO SCHOOL and HE SPARKLES and HE IS FUCKING MISERABLE. Please note this is before he even meets Bella, after which we can add POSSESSIVE INSECURE STALKING PEDOPHILE and RECOVERING “DRUG”(because consuming human blood is exactly the same as a heroin addiction?) ADDICT. Not to forget that he is a COMPLETE DORK(before he was a vampire he was a “proper english gentleman”…[insert puke here]…and after he was turned he became a student who didnt get laid AT ALL)

And if you still think Edward isn’t a nerd, look at his “brothers”. Emmett was hunting bears when he was mauled by one before being found and turned into a vampire by Rosalie. I dont know about you, but hunting bears is hardcore. Emmett was a jock and he rocked it before and after being turned into the undead, breaking down houses while shagging his woman and arm wrestling til he shattered rocks? Give that vampire a bells!

As for whats his name…complete blank here…wait a sec while I ask a twihard friend to bbm me his name….Jasper! Before he became a vampire this hardcore fella joined the army younger than the legal age. He rose quickly though the ranks and was already gifted  with the talent of “mood alteration”, so when he eventually became a vampire he rocked an awesome power, helped lead vampire armies and killed alot of people in the process, even other vampires. And like all other men his weakness was women…which inevitably leads to him becoming a “pansy” after meeting Alice. But even then he enjoys the good fight(see ECLIPSE) and wants eat Bella on more than one occasion.

Even Carlyle, the “dad” is more hardcore because he never gave into the temptation to drinking blood…EVER. He also turned most of the characters without losing it…as Edward almost did lose a couple of times during the entire series(how many times did Edward almost kill Bella…either way can anyone say Pussy…cat?)

So let’s get to he credilibility of the rest of the story…wait…no…the rest is okay…Edward pretty much makes everything suck.

And the reason behind this bitch fest?

Tonight I have had my arm twisted into seeing Twilight Breaking Dawn Part One. And I’d be lying if I said I am not interested in watching it whatsover. In fact there are parts that I am looking forward to seeing very eagerly.

You want to now which parts?

Well I’d have to say those parts are Body Parts.

Jacobs Body Parts

Abs and Torso specifically.

Drool much?

Much Much!