Beware…Ginga’s and Ninja’s Ahead!

As much as I’d like to High Five my liver for yet another awesome weekend, it has gone on strike. In fact it’s not talking to me anymore and not taking my calls. I don’t know whether it has just decided to ignore me or if it has actually run away and found residence in a tee totaler. I wouldn’t be surprised. In fact I’m about to run away from me.

Friday evening was a fairly quiet one, if you consider having your new boss over, who the makes the meanest curry you have ever tasted, I literally ate myself into oblivion. It was not a pretty sight.

Mostof Saturday mornnig was spent lazing about, spending some quality tme with my daughter and mother. That evening was when all the craziness started. What do you expect when it is a Ginger Scotsman’s birthday?

Well, contrary to popular belief, Ginger’s do have friends and a hooligan bunch at that. Most I had met before, as it was a birthday there were copiuos amount of alcohol, in fact perhaps a little too much…no not really…because there is never enough alcohol is there? Again my liver would protest to that especially when it comes to the chocolate tequila. Or the Poncho’s, or the Archers, or the Jagermeister.

And when it comes to chocolate tequila you had better watch out. It tastes so great that you cant help but have another and another and another….and the next thing you know you end up talking about evolution and God and politics and all sorts of other things that are perhaps better left said when you sober.

A few of my friends I havent seen in a while and were quite shocked that I had put my boxing gloves up and was no longer beating people up in my spare time. Well this led to an awkward situation where I had to show a couple of men my triangle choking skills…well it didn’t fair too well.

Let me make it clear that I was not out to hurt anyone and I only tried this on willing participants. I also made sure to explain that if at any time they felt they wanted to get out of it to just ”Tap Out”.

I will also mention this is a very bad idea when too many shots have been going around.

The first man for a spin was a personal trainer friend of mine.  I did the lock and as everyone watched I applied some pressure. Well, instead of tpping me on the arm, he attempted to tap me on my leg, instead of my arm, which I was completely oblivious to. So it was up to the spectators to jump in and let me know the guy wanted out. Well it was close as he almost passed out.

The other spectators were all wary of me now and chose not to volunteer, except for Wes, who bravely came forward as the next victim. Well Wes took it very well, so well in fact that the passed out, and no he did not tap out, not even when everyone watching cried for himo do so. I had a snooze for a couple of seconds before he “woke up” again. Needless to say I chose not to choke anyone else that evening.

Ther was a woman there with the most awesome tattoo’s…which has me itching for another…so watch this space!

There was a casualty as well, when one of the ladiestried to help one of he guys from falling over, where she ended up falling and cutting her chin open. It was off to the hospital and five stitches later she came back a little high from the anaestethic they gave her.

Other that that here was lots of dancing,great music, a smoke machine, disco lights, shooting some pool and lots of talk…an awesome party all in all…even for a Ginger called Duff ;).

All I can say is that I am slightly relieved the weekend is over so that my poor liver can recover, but then I realize that tomorrow evening is the Love Sucks event. and then I think about the comng weekend…and I realize that my liver hasevery excuse to go AWOL.

You, Me and Cuervo…Now!

Move over everyone, the Goose has herself a new best friend, if you could call Tequila a best friend.

Tequila I have known through the years, we were never really mates but now and then we used to party hard together, who could forget bodyshots on the bar counter at the tender age of 18? But we parted ways. Jose Cuervo was a hooligan and for a while I set aside my dancing shoes and became the tame housewife of Benoni. Jose understood. He waited patiently, knowing I needed that time.

To cut a dreadfully long and boring story short, it is afterall Saturday and I am sure manyof you have more important things to do than read my blog, like go to the farm or rustle up Oppi Koppi supplies(which is in fact what I will be doing later).

Tequila and I re acquiented ourselves with each other last night. Yes, I have had a few shots in the 4 months since my divorce but Jose just never did it for me, until, like I say, last night. He was there and my friends introduced me once again. And if tequila were a person, well he’d probably be like my friend, Schalk, sarcastic and a little thorny around the edges. Not to everyones taste becuase you can never be quite sure if he is being serious with you(I’d like to think that it’s mental warfare all the way, and as soon as you start thinking he is serious, wel, that’s when you are in deep deep shit). The same goes for Tequila, you cannot be deathly serious and have a shot, you are either hardcore, downing it clean, or like me, the sissy that I am, you use salt and a little lemon.

There are two routes you can go with Tequila…you can either dance your ass off or you can hug your toilet bowl. I prefer the dancing your ass off option personally, but when it comes to Jose it is a lucky dip, because you never know when that one will be the one sending you retching your lungs out.

Last night Jose and I came to an understanding. he shall be there for me through thick and thin, but mostly when its Nicci time. He shall stand by me where other drinks shall fall short. He shall help me in my quest for the next blackout. He shall party right there with me. But he shall never be there for me in the morning. No, Tequila, I’m sad to say, will not be there to hold your hand while your head is pounding and your body is aching,oh no, tequila does not like morning afters. But hey, you have to accept it for what it is. You have to take the good with the bad.

But what is true, Tequila will always be there when needed.

Just one, two, three…oh fuck it….four shots away.

Roadblocks and Shooters

Christmas Eve and I am still recovering from Thursday evening, yesterday I was much too hungover to even contemplate writing about my misadventures.

A little breakdown on the week thus far. I had my baby girl with me and we spent some quality time with family, we also had an early Christmas for her in Jozi, due to the fact that she is spending the “real” Christmas day with her father at the coast. I wasn’t entirely happy about the situation and I miss my girl like crazy but I have to accept the fact that this is what it is going to be like for a very long time. I had to take her to the airport with my ex mother in law and I was very emotional to say the least.

Arrangements were made to see the boyfriend, but due to unforeseen circumstances and a broken pinkie he was unable to make it. On top of having had to say goodbye to my daughter I wasn’t in the best of moods. So my sister and I arranged for a bit of a night out. Her boyfriend, Duff, is in Scotland for the Christmas and New Year period.

We started our evening off at Cool Runnings but quickly left as we felt a little “old” for the crowd that was there…this led to us going to Tappetville(aka Hi Flyers), where we had a couple of drinks. We were soon ready to leave there as well, as I couldn’t much stand seeing so many scrawny guys wearing Tapout and UFC shirts….boys are you trying to compensate for something?

We then met up with Mr and Mrs Lavis and then did what any self respecting Boksburger would do(thought to be honest the only current resident of Boksburg is my sister) and got horribly drunk…it all started with Ponchos tequila, then Suitcases(Jack Daniels and Passion Fruit shooters) and copious amounts of Springbokkies(Amarula and Peppermint liquer shooters). I

Needless to say there are blanks(again!). But overall a “Moerse Jol”(huge party).

Eventually at God knows what hour it was time to go home, and though we rarely do this we had to drive completely and utterly under the influence of what feels like the whole bar. I am never proud to do this as I know there are dire consequences to drinking and driving.

Such was the case on this evening, as at 3am sometime that morning while my sister and I were driving home we drove straight into a roadblock and were told to pull over.

At this time I knew we were fucked. I was smashed, wasted, pissed and fubar(fucked up beyond all recognition). And as I pulled straight onto the pavement I started preparing myself for my first ass raping in jail.

The officer peered into the car and asked where we were going, to which I said I was taking my sister home, he then asked for my drivers licence and after some scrambling through the “Black Hole”(my handbag which seems to eat everything I put in there) I found it and passed it to the officer. He had a look and handed it back to me….and then….

He told us we could be on our way.

WHAT!?

I literally did a double, no triple take. I wanted to, for a very brief second, grab the officer and shake him rudely shouting “Can you not SEE how drunk we are?”. But that was maybe a split second. I hastily(okay, maybe not so hastily) pulled away, where my sister and I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. And then we did what anyone would do straight after having a brush with the law….we went to McDonalds and ordered 10 freaking chicken burgers? Err…yes…we are still tryng to figure that one out…but I think it had something to do with telling the poor staff of our ordeal with the law.

Next morning I woke up head pounding and stomach churning. My sister was dreadfully late for work and had to have an ice cold shower as I had neglected to put the geyser on the evening before. It made my morning listening to her hungover shrieks as she attempted to shower.

I also had to work…and it was the most dreadful time of my life. It was hot and I was sweating alcohol from every pore in my body. Needless to say it was a very unproductive day. Thank God for the chicken burgers though…they really did hit the right spot.

Friday evening began with my sister and I trying the “Old Hair of Dog” remedy, but after it took 2 hours to drink my daquiri I gave up. We turned to getting dvds, but the Postma sisters have impeccable timing and we drove through a torrential downpour and got pretty wet getting the movies…btw…”Resident” with Hilary Swank is a super freaking horrible creepy movie, if you haven’t seen it go get it.

Today I still feel like crap…I’m hoping to feel better after some breakfast.

PS: We are convinced that the only reason the police did not in fact arrest me is because I was taking my sister home, which implied that I was sober, dragged out of bed to come fetch my lush of a family member from the pub. We have now concluded that from now on when we do get horribly drunk there will be a set of pajamas, gown and slippers put on before leaving said pub, so as to make this story more legible.

PPS: No really, we do know the dangers of drinking and driving…don’t do it, it’s really bad for you and the other drivers on the road.

Keep on Rollin’

After Friday afternoon’s dilemma, I must say the weekend was well worth the hangover I experienced yesterday.

Friday evening was pretty mellow considering the drink we had, can you say PO10C? I dont know why we even force ourselves to drink something that looks like methylated spirits and has much to be desired in the taste department. But we did it, we drank the bottle. We also had meaningful gal pal chats and good old fashioned dancing. It was also on Friday evening that I realized that I need to start putting my debit card into my purse, as opposed to dumping it into my handbag, which I may fear is also black hole(I am forever searching for something in there, amongst the cash slips and make up and cards and chargers and jewellary, you name it, it’s in there, somewhere). And you know its particularly bad when you won’t even let your boyfriend have a peek inside(I kid you not).

What was particularly interesting was the fact that, for the first time in a long time, my mother and I had a true heart to heart, and for those of you who dont know me, this is pretty big, especiall at 12am a night. Mom, thank you for lending me your ear, it is much appreciated.

I woke up the next morning, somewhere between a hangover and not feeling too bad. The worst being I was up at 6am, and that I had to work that morning. The best about it, having a little sister to make you a cup of coffee.

Work went as it always does on a Saturday…painfully. I tried to while away the hours by actually doing some cleaning, yes I did, I actually mopped floors…[insert startled surprise here]. I’d also like to say thank you to the genius who brought us www.stumbleupon.com , there is no better way to surf the net than stumbling.

After work and a little bit of hurried preparation, it was off to the Wild West again. It was third time lucky for me as I managed not to get lost going there (Fist Bump if you please). I knew we were in for an evening when I was greeted by not only Jaco but also Marius and Schalk. One of the toughest decisions that afternoon had to be whether or not to buy a bottle of tequila. But while we stood there we all seemed to realize it was a really bad idea. So we got another bottle of Vodka instead.

The plans for that evening were simple. Go to the drive in(which I hadn’t been to in at least 20 years), have some drinks, watch the movies and then go home. Nothing is ever that simple though, is it?

We arrived an hour early, obviously to get a decent “parking”, which we did. We all had ourselves drinks and with a couple of blankets, a bean bag and a few pillows we were set. The radio was tuned into the correct frequency and all we had to do was wait. The movies that evening happened to be ”Three Musketeers” and someting to do with love…I cant quite remember the full title. Now I’m not too sure but sometime before the movie began we stumbled upon a dire fact. The fact that Schalks battery as flat, his car battery. It seems not only the radio but an annoying light in the boot of the car that refused to go off were the culprits.

Now everyone must’ve had his happen to them at least once. It is not fun, and it is made much worse when you realize that you have to push start the vehicle in the middle of a Drive In(Blind One), amongst hundreds of other people(Blind Two) and you aren’t quite sober(Blind Three).

Back to this a little later.

We were still adamant to watch the Musketeers movie, the only downside being we had to strain to listen to it from the vehicle next door. It was probably in th first 5 minutes that we realized(at least from my point of view) that this movie was going to be kak. Other than the appearances of Mila Jovovich and John Malkovich, the rest of the cast and the acting was somewhat lack lustre and undeserving of our attention. So we did what any good samaritans do and spoke(if not bellowed) to one another about various “taboo” subjects throughout the movie(well we actually werent ther long enough to see the whole movie but you get the point).

Schalkatang seems to be a very appropriate nickname for Mr Lavis as he demonstrated his simian like skills by throwing stones at Jaco using only his feet. Marius showed us that silence is indeed a weapon(cause that is how he rolls). And Jaco, well, what is there to say about him? Other than being able to easily give me a piggy back to the drive-in bathrooms(I may be a skinny bitch but I am not petite so it is pretty cool that someone can pick me up and carry me a few hundred metres without dropping me or falling over.) but his sense of humour and his enthusiasm are second to none.

Come to think of it, who needs to watch a movie about three musketeers when you are in the very presence of a few.

About half way through the movie it became blatantly apparent that we were just not going to watch the rest of it, so we decided to hit the road. This meant being push started halfway through a movie wiht a ton of onlooker. I did as any woman would do, I promply got into the car and hid my face so as not to be recognised.

I believe all that were in earshot of us were happy to see us leave. Push start and all.

The rest of the evening was indeed very memorable, which I can honestly say, is a welcome change when visiting the West.

The next morning there was an attempt at “cliff diving” which did not go too well. Jaco made a dive but the rest of us were not too interested in getting frostbite(among other things). Due to our hangovers we were also not very inspired and I wore the personality of a rock(merely talking was enough to have my grey matter smoking from the effort).

After an attempt at watching Pirates of the Caribbean and a nap I had to head back to Boksburg….

…..but a trip to the Wild West would not be complete without my getting lost now would it? Indeed I did. And not only once. I found myself in Van Der Bijl Park, then Kibler Park then in the middle of Johannesburg and then in Germistion before eventually coming out in Boksburg. I tell you I was in no mood for it, especially on top of my hangover.

Other than that, the weekend rocked, I loved every minute of it. And although things may no have worked out as planned I’d like to think the journey counts just as much as the destination.