It Is What It Is….

So I had the full intent on studying this morning…better yet…writing a post about the impending Zombie Apocalypse. But as I sit here staring at the computer screen I realize that I might have to get serious, and here I am almost choking on the gum in my mouth but yes, I have to be serious once in a while as much as it pains me to do so.

We all have to make choices as we grow up, as we take part in this life. Choices are inevitable, always there and always coming and going.

Many of those choices are second nature, they form a part of our daily routines and habits…like brushing our teeth(granted some don’t even make that choice…yuck!) and which way to work and choosing how much sugar we want in our coffee. Options are endless, it’s amazing what our brains are able to acheive in the space of a day. Give it credit…give yourself credit…you are a miracle of nature, with a mind and the gift of free will.

The heavens know that I have made alot of choices, some good and some bad, some out of necessity. Hell, I have even chosen not to make a choice(a paradox if you will).  I am a firm believer in No Regrets and I believe the decisions we make are the right ones for us at the time. I think we go too long in our lives trying to re write our memories, living in a fantasy world that does not exist. Nothing can be done, it is just spending the sweetness of now on a yesterday you can never change.

The mind is a powerful thing…look at the placebo effect…it is real that you can affect your body…that you can heal yourself to a certain extent using only thoughts…we don’t come near to using the full potential of our brains…imagine what we could acheive if we did?

Most of us, including me, are just sometimes too pre occupied with those darned memories…those choices…and then the bitter pills of resentment, anger, loss, pain, shame and lost loves are swallowed up and eat us from the inside out.

Yes, a lot of those memories are great…but those memories tend to leave us yearning for the past yet again. 

There is nothing you can do about the choice you have already made. What is done is done and it is what it is. No second takes…no second chances…one life and a series of choices and events that shape who you are.

They may help shape who you are, BUT THEY DO NOT DEFINE YOU. You ARE NOT YOUR CHOICES. You are a devine creature, here to experience and use every day as an opportunity to learn, grow and become a better you.

It’s not what you do when you fall, it’s what you do when you get up.

With that being said I by no means think that we have to wear a hardened exoskeleton…I think it is okay to sometimes have your heart break a little…to feel some regret…to feel some pain. To look back and sometimes wonder what might have been.  

Sometimes.

Not all the time…not too little either. We remember so that we can make informed choices. Our memories are an encyclopedia of do’s and dont’s.

Today I’m not particularly in the mood to get up. But that is today.

And we have tomorrow and the next and the next.

And I’m not nearly done.

Not at all.

 

 

 

 

The Beast Within

Essentially I think we are all broken or cracked in some way….the extent of the damages depends on what you’ve been dealt in your life….some of us have fissures that will never heal, large gaping wounds that everyone can see. Others have minor scratches.

Part of why we are here…I. Believe is to heal these wounds and if we cannot completely heal them, then perhaps function with them.

As someone with no legs will work his way around his physical surroundings, so someone with emotional dysfunction or baggage, needs to find a way to “compensate” for what is lacking?

We will never be free of pain, of hurt, of sorrow and agony….we will never be completely free of the beast within….that dark part of us…the sorrow…the anger…and even hate is a dark emotion that resides within us all.

We cannot escape this beast…we try to externalize it…we call it a mythical creature…a vampire or a werewolf, even a zombie. Truth is these creatures are within us all.

We all have the capacity to hurt and harm and gash wounds into others.

We all have to accept these dark parts because they are just as much a part of you as is the light. It is only once you can accept the beast within that you can tame it. Use it in a positive way or at least channel that darkness into pursuits that leave others around you a little less unscathed?

How do you want people to see you…be that person…be true to yourself….you can change every day as long as you can look in the mirror and know that you are doing the best that you can.

Does any of this really make any sense?

I’m only a goose looking for that balance.

“Our fingerprints cannot be erased from the lives of those we have touched.”

Credit Cards, Clown Cars and Cash

Just a quick thought for a Monday:

As much as we all want the massive paychecks, fancy cars, big houses and designer clothes and destination holidays(yes I want all of that too), we need to learn to live within our means. We need to ask ourselves whether we can afford any of the above on what we make at the moment. And I’m not talking about what you can afford on your credit card or your overdraft.

I am not fond of either a credit card or an overdraft. These facilities encourage you to use money that is NOT your own. Yes, the word credit is great to hear but it is in fact a false promise and a misleading interpretation, where in fact CREDIT means(in the financial institutions eyes)- use the banks money now and pay back with interest later.

I am only bringing this up as I used my very first credit card for the first time on Saturday. I wasn’t even looking to spend the money but then I recieved an e mail notification for a Wicount deal( www.wicount.co.za) that I simply couldn’t resist(and was within actually my budget).

The deal was a bungee jump from Orlando Towers at half the usual price. Now I know some of you are going to tell me I am nuts…hey what’s new? Fact of the matter is bungee jumping is up there on my bucket list with skydiving, white water rafting, scuba diving and shark cage diving. I want to experience as many things as possible before I die(if I don’t die doing them, right?)

Back to the matter of using my credit card. It was way to easy, there were no security questions or phone calls to verify my identity, it was literally as easy as one, two, three(considering the fact that I can’t use my card elsewhere as I have ”unremembered” my pin). There was no alert to say ”Hey you, do you really want to spend this money?” No, the computer ate my plastic money with little, if not , no remorse.

Don’t get me wrong, I am “totally stoked” to be jumping into thin air from more than 100m above ground with only a bungee rope to keep me from going splat, really.

I am worried about how easy it is to spend money that is not technically your own. You’d think that the corporates would give a damn about us rats down here(fat chance, look at the worlds economy). It is little wonder it is so easy for us to fall into the debt trap because we want to live the life. And I’m not even sayingt it is a bad thing. But really people, if you can only afford to wear Mr Price clothes, do you really have to go blow half your salary on a “Diesel” or “Billabong” shirt?

I’ll put it into perspective. I have just paid R235 to have a once in a lifetime experience as opposed to buying a shirt with a label on it for the same price.

We do the same with houses and cars, granted it is alot more difficult to buy a mansion with little money.

People are not going to remember you by the shirt you wear or the house you live in or the car you drive. If they do they are shallower than pigshit. Besides how many memories can you make with a negative bank balance and debt collectors on your heels(at last “burden free” memories?)

I know, for a long time I was chasing the perfect house, car and wardrobe, and in fact, I had it. Unfortunately I was dreadfully unhappy. I was caught up in a cell looking out to a world I wished to explore.

All I wish for now are a whole lot of happy memories, and if that happens to be in my little clown car(in which I have gotten lost more than I can count), or in my old flat,(if the wine stains on the carpets could talk), or the scuffed cowboy boots on my feet(yes they have seen one too many bars) and all the crazy places I have been to(like Springs and Roodepoort), then I can say I’m on the right track.

Did I mention friends?

Money can’t buy friends.

But you need them.

More than you will ever know.

That to me is living within my/your means.

http://www.groupon.co.za/deals/johannesburg

Woohoo….Studying….Groan!

I’ve always wanted to study, there has never been a doubt about it. Other than the simple fact that you need to have tertiary education under your belt in a country where joblessness is a stark reality, but to further myself, to push past a so so matric certificate(where I did the bare minimum of studying), to become someone I dreamed of becoming.

But life happens and ten years later I have have only just had a student loan approved and registered to study. Even a mere two weeks ago I had not planned to start until the beginning of next year, I was being complacent(as I have been in the last ten years). But someone showed me a door and in a moment of clarity I did something.

All choices have pros and cons, and this particular choice, now has me in R20200.00 debt. I have never experienced debt before, at least not where you can be listed on ITC or Experian. The credit bureau didn’t know I existed…well…until now. And this has me a little preturbed as my paranoid mind chooses to remind me often that if I default on even one payment, my non existant credit score will be tarnished forever(Melodramatic arent I?)

The only comfort I am gaining from this is the fact that the loan is for further education, as opposed to a pair of Jimmy Choo’s(I dont think I could live with the guilt – Seriously).

I’d also to like to mention that I am not studying for my “dream” job. I am studying bookkeeping(and BTW anyone that enthusiastically studies numbers is crazy) as a means to an end. I need to double my paygrade, make sure it is in an unsaturated field and have decent hours.

Once I have this under my belt, my education is far from finished as then I am going to pursue my “dream” job. Right now that job/career is to be a psychologist(and I hear screams of laughter from all my friends who know Im “special”). But that is now, perhaps in two years I want to be a yoga instructor, or a travel writer, or a politician(Heaven forbid!). Really all I do know for sure is that I would like to study a ridiculously long time obtain a Doctorate(Yes….thats Dr Romaigne to you!)

I have realized that you are never too old to study(or get a student loan) and never too old to say this is it, this is what I want  be. I believe we can satisfy all aspects of our wants and needs, in due course, of course.

Dont wait until tomorrow to study or begin becoming what you want to become.

Be who you are, work hard at it, change your mind often and do it 100%.

Anything less and you are selling yourself short.

The Babalaas Divorce Day

I had set my phone alarm to 5:30am Friday morning with the full intention of
being fresh and ready for my appearance in court to finalize the divorce. I was
obviously very hungover having only had just over two hours sleep. But I managed
to get my rear end up and into a hot bath with the aid of a strong cup of
coffee.

I was feeling pretty good about myself as I got dressed in my slacks and
started putting my make up on.  I just then got a phone call from my mom, she
first wanted to know how I was feeling given the situation, which I replied
pretty good, a little nervous and very babalaas. She then asked if I was already
at the attorneys. I said obviously I wasn’t as it was only ten to seven. My dear
mother then informed me about a hundred times over that it was in fact ten to
eight(I just could not let that sink in as I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE ATTORNEYS
AT EIGHT!)

After I realized the time was in fact ten to eight I Immediately went into
“Oh Shit I’m Late” mode! You know, where you make a made dash to grab all that
you can as you rush out the door and into the car, race along the road as
quickly as possible only to have every robot in creation turn red and leave you
bouncing up and down in the front seat cursing and swearing.

So, eventually I get there, ten minutes late, thankfully a slight
emergency had held the clerk up, so I wasn’t in too much trouble.

Off we went to court.

The divorce went smoothly, I stood before the judge, was asked a few
questions and then to my immense relief the judge granted my freedom. We rode
back to Boksburg in silence, not that I was reflecting, I was actually letting
everyone know of my new status via blackberry and facebook.

The feeling that came over me was intense joy and happiness, as I drove my
car I turned the music up and pounded the steering wheel in elation(yes I
actually did, I even shouted out I was so happy). Other people must’ve looked at
me as if I had lost a few of my marbles, well I couldn’t have cared less!

The rest of my afternoon consisted of some retail therapy, beer and chilled
out friend time. Celeste, you have been a rock in the last few months, you have
helped me through so much I cannot help but say a BIG THANK YOU!

Evening came and I was able to share my happiness with some Awesome people:
Schani, Emma, Mich, Nicole, Andy and Hanno, thanks for coming over. Also to the
boys Jaco, Schalk and Marius, although our BIG party was for Saturday and we all
know you three had to be in bed early for H2O!

Budgeting Sucks Hairy Monkey Balls

Yes, it does. I want to find the asshole that created the wonderful term “budget” and let him have it, even better, let’s find the asshole that decided to make money.

Before money existed we used the Barter system and it worked, I would give you some of my sheep for some of your gold. You would trade your sheep for cabbage and then trade the cabbages for gold from me again.

Today we have to work, and alot of us enjoy our work, some of us hate it. We earn money that we have to spend on rent, utilties, schooling, food, taxes, petrol, clothing, make up, cars, satellite subscriptions, cigarettes, alcohol, healthcare, drugs, fitness, pets, holidays, internet, cleaning materials, domestic workers, gardeners and and and and and….

We are CONSUMERS…we take and take and take, when last did we give, when last did we grow something? When last did we do something SUSTAINABLE? Im the same, I also JUST take take take.

I blame our consumer society on Money…

I know I am usually alot more upbeat, but today I really couldnt give a rats ass….today I’m bitching a little bit. I’ll make up for it some other time.

Neil Patrick Harris Knows Best

*And thats your advice for the weekend*

May the Awesomeness be with you Gooses & Ganders!

Moving On

This was written a couple of months ago, just before I moved out of my “married home”:

“This feeling in your chest belongs both to sorrow and anticipation. Mourning the dying remains and celebrating the birthing of life. Be still, let the emotion sweep over you like a wave, breathe in and move forward One step at a time, there is no race to win, but a walk to be savoured and relished. The walk of life.”

This Is Me

I took a step back from the ledge and had a look at the life

I was living, not even a remnant of the person I truly was could be found. All

I saw in myself was a robot, a drone following orders, being subservient,
allowing others to control me.

I don’t know when the transition occurred but when it did there

was no letting go, there was a person within me that hadn’t seen light for what

seemed centuries…that person wanted to see the sun again. Slowly I started feeling

again, anger and rage were the first emotions to be released- Anger at myself,

for becoming so weak, so fragmented. Anger at that person that couldn’t see “my

light”, who shunned and pushed and bullied me into submission. Anger that God
and all that was would let me forget who I am.

Strangely those very things that make you furious also make

you stumble to your knees and give way to grief, many “if only’s” are asked and

we doubt and question all the choices we have made, we wonder how the hell we could’ve

made them. All the decisions that led you to this precise point in time were
they right or were they wrong.

At this time I took that rage and that misery and used it to

fuel the passion and commitment I needed to go forward and recover that person
I was, the person I am.

I believe I’ll always be discovering a new part of me, another

quirk, another admirable quality, some I may not like and some I may love. The best

thing is I don’t have to hide or pretend to be someone I am not, I don’t have

to please anyone, I just need to be me and whether people like me or not is nothing
I can control, just like no one can control who I am.

The best part of my day is waking up and knowing that I get

to spend every moment of the day with me. Learning, growing and cheering myself
on…I’m my own person, my own cheerleader and my own critic.