I wasn’t going to write today, I woke up with the greatest intention of NOT writing. I wanted to prove a point. I wanted to be unaffected. I wanted to hide away from the questions that had been raised and the answers that came to me. I didn’t want to face the truth. I wanted to lie and pretend that I hadn’t been kicked upside the head by a tiny little thing that took two hours of my time.
But I had to write: writing, for me, is breathing. I cannot not write because I need to make sense of it, even if it’s in my own crazy messed up way, and even if it is only me that understands, even when it hurts like hell, even if it exposes me to the world. If perhaps I put it onto paper, or into cyber space, that it’ll be okay. That my universe will stop shaking, that it will balance again.
Sometimes our most profound moments are our most painful moments, and our most painful moments the most profound.
And this is how it started:
“We all come from the sea, but we are not all of the sea.
We children of the tides must return to it again and again.”
This is how the film, Chasing Mavericks, begins.
And that’s when the tears began.
The film, based on a true story, follows the journey of a young man, a
young man, whose mission it is to surf the worlds’ biggest waves.
A surfing movie that had me in tears from beginning to end.
And I hated it.
Every single minute of it.
I am not of the sea. I don’t have to be of the sea to understand the universal truth that was spoken in those few words.
“We all come from the mountains, but we are not all of the mountains.
We children of the hills must return to them again and again.”
When asked why he wanted to go back to Everest, George Mallory replied:
“Because it is there”.
John Marsden, in Killing Frost wrote:
“I’m a person of the mountains and the open paddocks and the big empty sky, that’s me, and I knew if I spent too long away from all that I’d die; I don’t know what of, I just knew I’d die.”
You know in your heart, that when you have found it, when it resonates with your soul, that it isn’t wrong and neither is it right. It is all that you are and all that you will ever be. It is coming home to yourself.
I’ve looked at photo’s that have been taken of me only a few short months ago and I no longer recognize that person. I see a ghost, an apparition, a shadow of the person I am today. But that person, that shadow was a necessary evil. For if it hadn’t been for her, I wouldn’t be here now.
Yes, I am a child of the mountains.
Back to that Godforsaken movie with its’ infernal drop kicks to the psyche:
The Four Pillars of Humanity: Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual, which we should strive to balance in our lives. If there is imbalance it may crumble.
Yes, we need to have balance, but I don’t think that all four pillars will all be the exact same size or shape at anyone given time. We can strive for balance but I think we live more in a state of compensation. If we are physically weak, perhaps mental strength compensates. If we are lacking spiritually we make up for it with physical strength. This applies to all four pillars. And I think I can safely say that we are all trying to make up for the emotional in some way or another.
It’s easy to build physical strength and you can feed your mind and build mental acuity and as for the spiritual, well we live for spirituality. Emotions are difficult to deal with.
Emotions are where your monsters lie, at least my monsters, and I bury them deep. It’s the current that flows below the surface of a smooth sea, a turbulence that no one can see but is strong enough to sweep you forever away.
The strongest emotion: FEAR.
It is what drives you and debilitates you.
Can I face my demons? Can I face what I really fear?
I can tell you all of the bravest things I done. I can tell you what I am not afraid of. I didn’t even have a clear image of what I am afraid of until this stupid movie.
I have certain fears that come and go, that perhaps I won’t be able to make the next climb, or that I may fail in a competency exam, or I get a glimpse of a spider out of the corner of my eye.
But those fears are physical and they are quickly overcome. The debilitating fears I have are there somewhere inside me. They stop me from doing a lot of things I may have done. They are the reason why I am only living my life now. Even as we speak they almost cripple me when I have choices to make.
And if I said them aloud, if I revealed them to anyone, for me that would be unleashing all the Beasts of Pandora’s Box. And I am not ready to open that up. Not yet. I am not yet ready to deal with the repercussions of a thousand demons wreaking havoc in my little universe.
All of this hurts…it affects every pillar…but for now I compensate. And if I can acknowledge that, then I guess it’s a start in the right direction.
I can’t stand being vulnerable.
I can’t stand being defeated.
But I leave you with these words from that movie:
“The people who push the limits sometimes discover the limits push back”.
And that isn’t a bad thing.