Thursday…

How do I describe in words the weekend that just went by. It is not often
that I find myself having trouble trying to express myself.

Lets give this a go.

On Thursday evening I had planned to stay at home and do some household
chores. I was getting divorced the next day and the plan was to reflect on
what had been and where I was heading.

FAT CHANCE.

My dear partner in crime had very little arm twisting to do to convince me to
go to The Dros in Sunward park for a “few” drinks. So I donned my cowboy boots
and headed out. On arrival I decided to be responsible and instead of
ordering from the  too slow waiter, I went to the bar and purchased a bottle of
wine(okay, so far from responsible, but better than waiting for a beverage that
obviously still had to be brewed).

What is a night without meeting people as well, so apart from the usual
suspects(you know who you are) I’d like to make a special mention to the “Other
Montgomery’s” who are just as cool as their sister the Minkster. I never knew it
would be possible to feed Jimi Hendrix some Steers chips at 2am in the morning,
but believe it.

Sheree that hand of yours is heavy and I blame you for being out so late(but
it was awesome!) Mynhardt, I do apologize for the elbow to the chest, I really
do have no idea what came over me but I suspect it had something to do with the
cowboy boots I love wearing(and perhaps the copious amounts of alcohol that
passed my lips.)

While all this was happening I was actually wearing my wedding ring, yes my
marriage had been “over” for quite some time, but on the last night of my
married life I thought what the hell(it was pretty weird though).

I will also never forget the “Wooooohoooooo Wave” every time I mentioned that
I was going to be single the next day.

I had loads of fun, there was arm wrestling and kickboxing, and lots of
laughter, drinking, photos(Bok you take awesome pics!) and even a fashion
show(Allison I want your shoes!).

And if I haven’t mentioned your name, it is purely because I was fuelled by
way too much purple.

Marriage and Divorce

I think it is appropriate that I discuss my thoughts on marriage and divorce on my last day as a “wife”.

To me, marriage is companionship. I came across this definition:

“Companionship is that state of being friends. It is a closeness or familiarity,
a true fellowship among people who for some reason have connected. It is the
word that comes to mind when you hear the words life-long partners.”

This is the foundation for any relationship, afterall if you dont feel “connected” to someone, you surely arent going to want to spend your life with that person.

I believe wholeheartedly that my relationship with my “soon to be” ex was a companionship – for seven years. The last two, not at all. I loved him. I cared for him, I would have done everything for him. Our relationship and our marriage superceded all other relationships I had. I do believe I honored and even obeyed him and would have continued to do so had I believed he was doing the same thing.

People change and others stay the same, the most important part of being in a marriage is accepting and compromising with your partner, without compromising yourself.  And if you learn and grow together I believe that a “happily ever after” is possible.

Unfortunately most of us either compromise ourselves, we change or our partners do and we forget about being companions, or about being there for one another. The companionship then disentragrates and all you are left with is familiarity.

At this stage one or both partners go looking for companionship, either with friends, or with other women. We try couples counselling or church or romantic getaways. We even turn a blind eye and continue down this path of distruction and distraction. We either remain inflexible while the other bends backwards. And some of these tactics work in saving the marriage, sometimes not.

I firmly believe that if you have tried everything to save your marriage, that you have given it your all, and it is still not working, there is no shame in saying goodbye and moving on.

We live our lives to be our best selves, if not for ourselves, for our children. In the end we need to show them happiness and not at the expense of others.

I wish my ex all the happiness in the world. And I thank him for our daughter and for very many happy memories and I’m happy to have no regrets or resentment.

This Goose is happy to end this chapter and start a new one.

Friendships

In the 28 years of my life on this earth one of the most complicated, gratifying and frustrating experiences I have had and continue to have is “FRIENDSHIP”.

For the most part of my life I have had friends come and go like autumn leaves blown about in the wind. Some have shown to be true, no matter how fleeting, others have been around but have and only will bring pain into your life. I also believe you pick your “friends” for certain periods of your life.

PS: As a near divorced single parent I surround myself with “certain” types of friends more than others not because they are more important but because I need to “grow”. Have a laugh as I try my best to explain my views on my friends, if I havent mentioned you dont take offence…and if I have mentioned you don’t take offence.

One: Happily Married Couples

I have just come out of a “failed” marriage, I cannot look at you and not look at my shortcomings. I need to feel good about myself, and thats not going to happen staring into your ”wedded bliss”.

Two: The Unhappily Married Couple

Been there done that…these friends I want to smack upside the head…get a divorce already…who are you trying to kid. I have been there, I know from “experience”. And if you give me the garbage that you are staying together for the kids…fyi…you are doing more damage to them staying in an unhappy marriage – yes you are – you are setting terrible example to them, you are “telling” them it is “okay” to be miserable. Well its not.

Three: The Lovebirds

The recently paired couple who cannot keep their hands off each other…yeah I am thrilled for you, I really am, honestly. Again, I dont want to see what I’m not getting. This is the cue for me to step to the side for a short while, at least until the initial heathsa simmered down.

Four: The “We’ve Been together Forever but havent married or had Kids”

Or as Id like to call it the K.I.S.S. couple – Keep It Simple Stupid. Yes this couple is quit content to enjoy each others company, the have very little hang ups and dont feel rushed into making any commitments. I rarely see this couple because thy are always up to something, skydiving, partying in Bali, clubbing, etc. I envy this couple. Others that have not done the marriage/kids thing will think they have commitment issues – Who the Hell Cares?

Five: Single Gal Pal

She has had relationships, she is pretty happy most of the time, never been married, never had kids. She focuses alot on her career. They really do know how to have fun but behind closed doors they let you now they are pining for ”the one” and want to settle. It is sometimes difficult to keep up with a friend like this,more often than not they are partying during the week til all hours of the morning, and as a parent tha aint happening.

Six: Single Guy Pal(Platonic)

Ths is the guy that’ll help me out with the blocked drain…reluctantly. He needs motivation to help you, which is usually a 6 pack of his favourite beer. Sometimes he is useful when you need to complain about your recent love interest although you never end up taking his advice, although you really should have in the end. This friend I dont see often, obviously he is out trying to get legover most of the time.

Lastly Ill mention the Single Parent friend, the ones with whom I have surrounded myself now.

They struggle to balance being single and a parent, they all have ominous exes, they try, and where other people have thier partners to talk to, or their single mates to talk to, the single parent can only really get another single parent. I guess why I love my single parent mates is that they “get me”. They get the oddball behaviour, the crazy ideas, and the hardships that I have to deal with. They are the ones that turn round and say:

“You are crazy and confused and dont know whats going on, but I care, Im here for you, cause I was there and still am, I may not get you, but I GET IT”.

You all mean a hell of alot to me, you all are a part of my life, maybe I dont see you all the time, maybe I have only met you once, maybe Ive known you my whole life, we may just be buddies on Facebook. Each of you brings something special into my life. As I hope I do yours…yeah Im going through “something” right now and I might be for sometime, I only hope that I can be as great a friend to you that you have been to me(and by you I mean all of you…each and everyone of you!)

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Moving On

This was written a couple of months ago, just before I moved out of my “married home”:

“This feeling in your chest belongs both to sorrow and anticipation. Mourning the dying remains and celebrating the birthing of life. Be still, let the emotion sweep over you like a wave, breathe in and move forward One step at a time, there is no race to win, but a walk to be savoured and relished. The walk of life.”