It’s weird where we experience our defining moments…as a few like to reference: “Aha” moments.
Not so much an our ago I was washing my dishes and had one of these profound insights.
I’ve been going around trying to “fill” myself up with memories and experiences and knowledge in the hopes of becoming “whole” again. And while most of these experiences have been “bucket list” items and have added to the richness of my life I cannot say they have filled me as such.
I’ve been feeling half full/half empty for quite some time….since the beginning of my dissatisfaction with my marriage. That there was “more” than what I was living.
Even now I still have intense moments of pain and unhappiness. Sometimes a dull ache and sometimes a sharp excruciating yearning to have what I do not.
Everyone feels this way at some time or the other. I’m of the belief that that angst is somehow a part of our basic human instinct.
Women yearn for the love of a man and men seek the comfort of a womans’ loins. We provide a fitting enough illusion to the other sex in order to accomplish our basic instinct:
Once this has been accomplished it isn’t long before that yearning starts again. And if you are unable to maintain the illusion of fertility your partner or would be partner will move along.
Going back to the beginning…
I was washing my dishes when I realized that I’ve been running around like a headless chicken in the hopes of making myself whole again…on about the fact that I don’t know who I am and that I am on a “journey” to finding me.
I think I used these as an excuse to do things that I may not be 100% proud of. Not saying they weren’t necessary, because if I had not I would not have come to the insight I have now.
There is no “finding yourself”, there are no broken people and no one is damaged or used goods.
I don’t care if you are a pot smoking hippie, a nun, or a joe shmoe. You are who you are. Your cup is full. The shape of the cup may change, the colour and what fills the cup may vary but the cup is full of what you are made up of: your quirks, your morals and values, your belief systems, your memories and experiences and your knowledge.
Your cup is always full. It is up to you to decide what the contents are at any given time.
So many people think they are broken and scarred. Yes we have all had shitty little lives…but we are not broken. We are masterpieces. I’ve defined myself as broken but looking back I am not. It is just a mere perception, an excuse for filling that cup with negative experiences and emotions to perhaps gain sympathy or to justify the feelings of not being wanted.
After all it is easier to believe that you are unwanted because you are broken as opposed to being unwanted because you do not fit into someone elses idea of a perfect breeding partner.
And there is the damaged goods theory. Divorced single parent, throw in traumatic life experiences and some debt and a few wrinkles and maybe some cellulite: Damaged Goods.
Well Fuck you.
Far from damaged goods that shows a life well lived so far. Marriage is a celebration of love…whether it be once or many times. Being a parent means you’ve fulfilled your natural instinct to breed. Debt…well money isn’t everything is it. Wrinkles and cellulite. Well hey…what would the challenge of life be if we never had a countdown. A sense of urgency. Most of us waste our most useful years planning for a retirement when our bodies are old and weak. Forget about it. The time is now.
This is it…we are whole and very capable beings…we are not going to get another chance at this.
Fill your cup with what you want. Never make the excuse again.
Today I am the Happy go Lucky Ditzy Blonde that seems confident to others but in fact cares what others think about her. I’m the girl that likes to talk and write about her own experiences. I’m the person that likes to sing along to the music on the radio and go to H2O raves to enjoy the beat of a united group. I am the girl that doesn’t sway too easily when it comes to men but when I do open up I become a blithering clutz that can’t string two comprehensible sentences together in the presence of said boy.
I am the one who actually has goals and a brain to achieve it…but sometimes thinks it is better to hide it.
I sometimes cry to quickly and too easily and sometimes I am too loud and too brash. I have a critic, myself, and I judge very harshly.
I have found that I no longer fear death knowing that dying tomorrow I have no regrets.
I’m not asking you to agree with me or to follow me. In the end it is your choice as to whether you can palate the person that I am.
“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.”