My Child

I don’t speak much about her but she is the very reason I am where I am today.  I live and breathe for her. I was going through my external hard drive and stumbled across photos of heras a baby. Looking at the photos and looking at Dayna now, I realize how quickly time passes, and how precious it is.

I am thankful to have the time I have to spend with her.

 ”That’s the nature of being a parent” … “You’ll love your children far more than you ever loved your parents, and — in the recognition that your own children cannot fathom the depth of your love — you come to understand the tragic, unrequited love of your own parents.”

Ursula Hegi

My Chubby Cheeks
October 2008

Things I Cannot Live Without: COFFEE NOW!

Mmm…the smell of shitty coffee in the morning…nothing quite does it like the first shot of caffeine into your system as soon as you wake up.

I am really not all that fussy about coffee. Pass me the Ricoffy and I will be just as happy as if it were the more expensive brands of coffee such as Douw Egberts or Kopi Luwak(that’s the coffee made out of animal droppings…”Yum Yum Animal Shit Coffee!” she cries sarcastically).

I guess that makes me a coffee addict as opposed to a coffee connoisseur.

Last time I heard, Whitney Houston talking about coffee she was not saying: “Caffeine is Whack” so cheap and nasty coffee is fine so long as it kicks my ass out of bed in the morning. I hear all you snotty types that want to spend a fortune on coffee screaming your protests but you can all go fuck yourselves and your expensive coffee.

The best place to have coffee…well if you read my posts then you most likely know what I am about to say:

The Mountains.

Like you didn’t see that coming.

When it’s colder than a witches tit outside your tent and your shoes are literally frozen, nothing quite cheers you up like a cup of cheap and nasty tar black coffee in a tin cup.

Hell coffee with anything is pretty awesome.

Coffee with a Cigarette.

Coffee with the Paper.

Coffee with a book.

Coffee while checking mail.

Coffee while on your tea break.

Coffee while working.

Coffee during lunch.

Coffee while surfing the net.

Coffee while pretending to work.

Coffee after work.

Coffee after sex.

Coffee while studying.

Coffee while driving.

COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE

Did I mention Coffee?

COFFEE.

For those of you who don’t drink coffee, the ones that prefer tea or protein shakes in the morning…you know what you can do hey?

DRINK A CUP OF SHITTY COFFEE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sex, Lies and Relationships

I don’t profess to know anything about relationships, in fact I know very little, though what makes anyone an expert when it comes to relationships anyway? We may have psychologists that specialize in the field on love, marriage and relationships but I believe they can only be a guide or offer insights into the mechanics of relationships.

In the end you are the one that has to make choices, based on what you have already dealt with, what you are dealing with and what you are prepared to deal with in the future.

So what does this have to do with me and my love life, or lack thereof?

Well, I have some insights regarding this subject over the past few months. Some truths I can handle and some not so much, that I am trying to deal with or should I say ignoring flat out most of the time.

I spent most of my adult life in a long term relationship, part of that was marriage and the end was divorce. Looking back I cannot blame my ex or myself for what happened but I can only look back and be thankful that instead of a long, drawn out, painful ending to our marriage, we both did what would be best for our daughter.

This is not to say I did not leave without scars.

I realize now that I not only gave too much of myself but I sacrificed too much of myself. I was nineteen when I met my ex, young and impressionable and the reationship moulded me.

I became a shitty stepford mum.

By that I mean that I did what I could to be the perfect wife. Cooking of meals, dinner parties, domestic work, mothering and being dutiful to my husband.

The shitty part is that all through this I knew it was little more than an act. Deep down inside I knew that this was not the mould for me, there was more for me than being chained to the basin and washing machine.

Toward the end I felt trapped, caged into an existance that was not meant for me.

Fast forward to post divorce Goose.

Words that come to mind are: Wild, Untamed and Fiercely Independant.

Those words do not mix well with relationships.

My first relationship consisted of many nights drinking far too much for my liver to handle and far too much sex and not much else. I guess that is what a rbound is about? Looking back The Rocketeer mentioned this but I was caught up in a wave of post divorce elation to see it for exactly what it was.

The second relationship was pretty much the opposite, many dinners and movie nights and quite a bit of romance. The Vegetarian was very affectionate and this was something I did not deal with well at all. Imagine trying to break in a Wild Horse. That pretty much sums it up. It ended hardly before it began.

Since then I havent been in a relationship. Only series of false leads and dead ends.

I blame this almost entirely on my choices.

You see, there may have been great guys that were genuinely interested in me, men that I could have pursued “proper” relationships with but I either did not see them or ignored them flat out.

The men that I found myself interested in?

Unavailable. All of them. Either already in relationships or emotionally unreachable or way out of my league.

I am the type of woman that naturally gets along better with men on a friendly level. I enjoy physical competition(I used to do kickboxing, one girl in a class of men) and men arent as touchy as women are and I can be downright sarcastic and rude, which most women my age find inappropriate(I have very few female friends who get me or are pretty much the same as me, but very few).

I guess loud, sometimes arrogant, sarcastic, competitive and rude do not make for girlfriend material.
I am not the type to take home to your mother.

I’ve tried behaving…but again that does not gel with who I am at the moment.

I have done the stepford wife before and I am not too keen to take up that role again.
It doesnt mean I dont want a relationship.
It also doesnt mean that I do want a relationship.

This year I have been focused on my career and what I plan on doing for the rest of my life and this has left very little of my time, in fact virtually no time to indulge in relationships. I am either away in the Drakensberg or in the Pilanesberg or I am at home with my Daughter. At the moment I am not willing to give up either for a man.

This lifestyle fits in with my fear of committing to anyone pretty well. Even if I had the time for a relationship or tryng to find one I am almost in no doubt that I will be attracted to the same men that cannot commit to me. What I am putting out there is what I am getting…and that is no commitments.

It all boils down to me being petrified of sacrificing and giving myself up again to the one I love. And who will be able to deal with a woman that is never available, because there is no chance I will give up what I have now…not for anything.

Slim pickings then for me, isn’t it?

I had someone tell me that Bear Grylls would most likely be the perfect companion for me…about right…but he is unavailable isn’t he?

Besides…who would date a guy that drinks his own piss?

Maybe I could “Tap” that?

Mafadi…Here I Come

Fuck A Duck.

The last few evenings have been restless to say the least. Sunday evening I managed an entire 2 hours of sleep if I was lucky, and yesterday evening I managed perhaps five yesterday evening.

A pattern is emerging. Sleepless nights before and during a trip have plagued me since the beginning of my hiking lifestyle. Well I cannot afford to go without rest for the five day, four night trip to the highest peak in South Arica.

I leave for the trip tomorrow morning and I fear I will not get enough sleep, so I am seriously considering a little help in the form of a sleeping tablet.

Yes, I have always been averse to the use of any type of medication, especially sleeping pills, but I almost feel as if I do not have a choice. Sleep deprivation, as fun as it may be at the time(if you call tossing and turning in your bed unable to shut down the endless feedback in your mind fun), really does suck and in the end affects concentration, decision making, performance and reflexes.

Why am I battling to sleep? Well I guess it has to do with nerves…a mixture of excitement and apprehension.

Also, a look at the upcoming weather forecast has me slightly rattled. Temperatures are dropping as a cold front is hitting the Berg this weekend and this will be the coldest weather I have been subject to in my life so far. It is also the longest trip (only a day but that’s 24 hours, and that is a lot).

Shit Happens.

I signed up for this. I enjoy hiking, the mountains and sleeping in tents on the ground, and making number 2′s in the bush and freezing my butt off in the middle of nowhere foregoing television and a bed and a heater. And sometimes, like this moment, I ask myself:

And then Frosty pipes up in the back of my head:

“Let’s see if you’re worth your salt.”

I have to face the challenge. I have to work at it. I have to prove myself. I have to sacrifice for what I love. In some messed up way I realize that I did not only choose the mountains but the mountains chose me. Every day up there is another gift that unwraps itself.

Scared?
Hell Yes!

But I am up for it?
Hell Yes!

As the Mountain Man says: “It’s a rite of Passage”.
But why oh why can’t we just cheat and buy the certificate online?

Before I depart on this trip I leave you with this quote from the film Legends of the Fall and I realize that I am quite happy with either end:

“Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy, or they become legends.”

The Skinny on Men

I’d like to think I’m particular when it comes to men. In fact I think I’m downright fussy.

I wouldn’t say I have a “type” but a few certain aspects that make up a man have to be just right to grab my attention.

But there is ne thing that I still can’t wrap my head around, something that I’m still very indecisive about men.

It is size….you know…there below the waist…before you all start thinking with your dirty minds, pull them out of the gutter.

I’m talking about the size of a man in jeans. No, not the bulge in the front of a mans jeans! Let me see if I can explain this in laymans terms:

Jeans come in many cuts, boot leg, straight leg, skinny, ripped, acid wash, baggy, etc. As with women the shape and size of the jeans on a man can turn hunky into downright scary.

We’ve all had that awkward moment when the tops of our bottoms have peaked out of our jeans, or we have been witness to this not so savoury sight:

Plumbers Crack.

Women the world over have suffered for too long where the trend has been low waisted skinny jeans. The only way to overcome plumbers crack is to remain in an upright position permanently or wear a blouse so long that when you sit down or bend over the offending crack is well hidden.

Just Say No To Crack!

But the wheel turns and now skinny jeans are trendy for men!

Now skinny jeans aint called skinny jeans for nothing. You need to be semi anorexic to look half decent in a pair. Men and women alike.

But there is something deeply wrong with a man wearing skinny from the start.

An anorexic man? Well that implies no muscle tone whatsoever, and from my standpoint that means I will most likely be able to kick that guys ass from here into his next pair of skinny jeans.

Okay…I won’t lie…some men can pull it off, but if I tried my luck with any of them I might be arrested for soliciting a minor. Because honestly, have you ever seen. A man over 25 years old wearing skinny(Bon Jovi is the exemption to the rule).

If you are over 25 you’ll most likely come down with a case of “plumbers crack” and “beer gut front”….did I just puke a little in my mouth?

Yes I did.

Let’s not even go down the path of the adolescent boys that choose to wear OVER size jeans that barely hang off their tiny hips(these boys are also most likely Manorexic. It’s a wonder they even put boxer shorts on underneath.

Any man my age doing that?
Well they deserve a man size wedgie!

But wait older men have their faults when it comes to the denim variety too.

Jean shorts. Those horrible boxy grandpa pants(because you probably are a grandpa if you’re wearing them”.

Crap.

I think I puked more than a mouthful there.

So, where was I?

Something about jeans?

Apparently guys can be brutally honest with each other, so take your “best man friend” shopping with you next time.

And when trying on your sexy little skinny jeans don’t forget to ask:

“Does my dick look big in this?”

Let’s see how your Bromance weathers that little question.

The Male Camel Toe

The Gorge

How often is it that you find yourself driving through a remote area and caught yourself wondering: “What the hell does anyone do here?”

We are so often caught up with the road in front of us that we hardly take a step back to see what we have around us, taking a road less travelled and perhaps being pleasantly surprised with what we may find.

Our weekend to the Drakensberg was just such a weekend. Finding interesting little areas off the beaten track and finding out not only about ourselves but also a little more about the area.

This weekends’ trip with Soul Adventures started with some eggs on toast just off the highway in Harrismith, a sleepy little town that I think relies heavily off of the rest stop where we were eating. It had been quite a cold week in South Africa, we are now well into Autumn and this was confirmed as we drove onto a lesser taken road into the Drakensberg. There was snow capping the very peaks of the “Berg”, it may be a little early for snow, but the view was spectacular.

Yeah, I was a little girl again, going back home.

We met up with a couple, a lovely German lady and a Tanzanian gentleman, at little spot in the middle of the Berg(we’ll get there later). Then we were off the The Royal Natal Park for our hike for the day.

Not only is hiking to the top of the Berg a great experience but to walk the Gorge, the bottom of the Berg and to see the Worlds Second Highest Waterfall dropping from 1000m(1km) above you is altogether astounding.

Perhaps one of the best hikes in the Drakensberg as it can be easily accomplished in one day(around 14km in total) you find yourself walking along the riverbank, through forests and grassy plains, which so well depict the different biospheres the Berg accomodates.

For me the Forests were the highlight, you almost know that nymphs and river sprites are watching you from behind mossy outcrops of rocks and little waterfalls that create rainbows of ligh tin their wake. Also if you are lucky you may spot some of the local wildlife, gazelle and of course baboons, but a wide range of bird life as well.

On most of the journey you have the sounds of the river next to you, sometimes loud and powerful, sometimes hushed and soothing. Again the waters are fresh and pure, perfect for drinknig along the hike, most rejuvenating, not only physically but also spiritually.

We ended our journey into the gorge with a 30m abseil into the rivers. A little scary but completely exhilirating, if one could be suspended there for the entire day it wouldnt be long enough.

We made our way out and on the road again to find our accomodations in Swinburne, with some of the best rock climbing and bouldering I have at least ever seen.

That evening we stayed in a converted barn, a little upgrade from the usual tent accomodations, lovely because we had rafters from which to hang about and practise our belaying and abseiling techniques. All of course being done while we were sipping on some Sherry to keep the cold at bay.

We were all fairly early into bed, but not all of us slept, I perhaps managed an hour or two, but that isn’t unusual for me out there in the wilderness, and not that I mind.

We woke early to sunrise over the fields and rocky outcroppings surrounding us, with horses in paddocks and the locals making their daily run to the local town for supplies. The air was crisp as we had our morning coffee and muesli, all of us preparing for the day of rock climbing ahead of us.

It was only a short brisk hike up to the first bit of Bouldering for the day, a warm up for the dragons that lay ahead. For me a lot of fun, practising my belaying and rock climbing techniques, absorbing the sun and watching whilst others attacked the rock faces.

By this time our expert rock climber, Jonathan, was leading up the Spear, a somewhat intimdating rock with a vertical face looking about as pleasant as a gunshot to the foot. He made it all the way to the top, looking like a speck in contrast to the mighty Spear.

Next up, a Polish woman  whom I think was bred for this, she made her way swiflty up the rock, resembling a gecko, I was beyond impressed and in awe. We all had our turns up this face, including me. I may not have reached the top, coming away largely humbled and a little bit defeated. In the end par for the course.

One of the most rattling experiences is having to belay someone else, you know what to do and how to do it, but you know that that person is relying on you to have them if something goes wrong. You have to have confidence.

It’s amazing to see what the human body is capable of, finding ways up rock faces that look sheer. A great thing to witness when someone reaches the top triumphant.

Once we were done rock climbing it was off to our accomodation for that evening, where , even though we were sleeping in tents, we had access to hot showers, green lawns, and most importantly a Jacuzzi.

Our rock climbing expert Jonathan made us a chicken potjie to kill for(and by this I mean we were all ravenous and would’ve killed him had it not been ready a minute sooner).

The african experience:

A sky full of star and a full moon, the Drakensberg amphitheatre silouetted in the background, a group of strangers and friends sharing a campfire, reflecting over the days events, not only tough but exhilirating.

Then it was off to the Jacuzzi!

Sitting toasty warm in a jacuzzi, sipping on Spiced Gold and Coke, talking philosophical, trying our hand at a climbing wall while dripping wet and listening to the likes of Johnny Cash in the midst of other travellers is perhaps as close to heaven as one can get. And perhaps to get you back down to Earth, a dip in an ice cold pool making bets on who can stay in the water the longest before chickening out.

Sadly it was off to bed in the early hours of the morning when the bar lady decided that we had all had a little too much fun for one evening.

And in the dark, lying in the tent, the moonlight(or was that the camp light?) shining down, every stress and strain of that world out there fragments and disappears. The past and the future don’t matter, who you are and where you are from don’t either. All you have is the moment.

The sun rose too early, the only thing making up for it the beautiful amphitheatre panorama before us.

Before leaving for Johannesberg we made our way to another of the Drakensberg treasures, where we lay on the rocks like lizards, basking in the beauty of of surroundings and the sun, also learning to drink water from the falls like cowboys do. It was with a heavy heart that we had to leave.

For me , the drive back is almost always a sombre one, leaving home to go back to what…the office? Taking your  memories but leaving more of yourself behind.

What did I learn this weekend?

That I apparently have shit taste in music.

Other than that nothing could’ve worked out better.

 

 

 

 

Things I Cannot Live Without: Goose In Boots

Pierre Cardin black leather Cowboy Boots that is.

These were the first items I bought with the first salary I’d made in over seven years. I had just moved out of my marital home and it was the first time I had ever lived alone.

I remember being nervous and excited at the concept. For the first time in my life I would be living by my rules. I no longer had to compromise with a significant other. I was at last truly alone to make my own decisions.

And the first decision was my Cowboy Boots.

I only remember wanting to buy a pair of boots for winter. Any boots really. But as I walked into the shoe store it was fate that led me to the farthest aisle, where boxes and boxes of gleaming cowboy boots were lined up ahead of me. It took all of five minutes to have the boots on my feet, paid for and me out the door.

Looking back the boots became a second skin. They went with me everywhere I went. To work and back, to friends, to clubs and pubs, to the local park with my daughter, on dates, whilst zip lining in the Magaliesburg to having passed out in them a couple of times too.

It didn’t matter what I wore them with either. Dresses, skirts, denims and shorts. Hell in the peak of summer I wore them, regardless of what my feet smelled like after.

My boots had such a reputation that my friends and family merely had to glance down at them and know that it was going to be another wild day out with the goose.

Well if those boots could talk…

They’ve seen their share of better days, I’ve had to glue the soles once already, the tips and heels are well worn in and the leather no longer gleams new but is a beautiful soft dull black that can only come with lots of use.

I’ve considered replacements. But it would be sacrilege.

The boots are no merely shoes or a fashion statement. They are as much a part of me as the name Goose is.

It’s a marking of an era.

Not only that but they were there giving me the confidence to meet new people. They were my self esteem when I had none.

When I wore them I was no longer Romaigne, failed wife with nothing going for her, mousy blonde hair and pale skin, shrinking violet with no personality.

I became the Goose, the loud opinionated funny hooligan that made friends where ever she went. The one that everyone stared at and thought “Is she Crazy?”. The Goose never had self esteem issues, the world was her oyster and her eternal optimism shone through and past everything else.

The fairy tale of Goose In boots is not without it’s drama. The Goose became the unstoppable alter ego that had no limits.

It had a life of its own, where Romaigne had to look on helplessly as the Goose did one destructive thing after another in the name of experience. Hurting people and herself in the process.

But how could I take off the boots, turn into the wall flower I used to be?
I didn’t want to lose that part of myself.

For in those first few days and weeks and months of freedom those boots were there for me when I was alone at home. They gave me courage to speak to my friends and colleagues. They gave me strength to stand up for myself during my divorce and they allowed me to let loose a the spirit that had been locked away inside myself throughout my married years.

It took a long time to realize that the Goose was not the only reason that I had friends or self confidence. That deep down inside I knew it was all me.

I didn’t have to be wild, with or without them. I had to look beyond the boots and be true to myself. I had to make the decision to pack the boots away. If not for a little while, to get back to me.

No all Goose and not all Romaigne. But somewhere in between.

I still love my boots, and it will be a cold day in hell before I get rid of them, but they no longer define me or dictate who I am.

The Goose In Boots

It’s Friday Bitches!

Humbled

Every time I go to the mountains I learn a little bit more about myself, about people and the world at large.

This time was no different  as I accompanied the Mountain Man to the Amphitheatre with a group of six young men on an overnight hike.

I had to navigate and did pretty well until I tried to take them up an excuse of a gully. I hadn’t checked the Gps device that I was given. I came back down a little flustered and apologetic, in future this will teach me to make use of the equipment on hand.

 We arrived at the correct gully,  a steep slope with loose rock, not to be taken lightly. Here I was overtaken by most of the men as they did the gully quickly and with little effort as most of them were having idle conversation with each other. I, on the other hand, was exerted to 100%, I had to push harder than I have had to in a long time. I reached the top out of breath and exhausted. But the views of the Drakensberg from the top were so breathtaking that any feelings of exertion quickly faded.

We quickly got to camp, made up our accommodations for the night and were able to spend a good few hours relaxing or enjoying the surroundings. The guys decided on a swim in one of the pools that had formed in the river. I sat with them for a few minutes but then, after feeling like a salacious old lady, I took a walk a little further up were I could view the waterfall, the mountains, the azure blue skies. Here I contemplated my surroundings and life in general while lying on a rock, allowing the sun to drench me head to toe with its brilliant rays.

Being up there admiring all that was around me I couldn’t help but feel a tide of serenity flowing over me. It’s been a while since I haven’t felt the need or the urge to speak or to do and for those few hours I did as little as possible….and no….it wasn’t because I was trying to keep up with a crew of very fit men that were keen on out doing each other at every turn.

The stars that evening were phenomenal, the Milky Way was at its brightest and I doubt that I have ever before seen so many. Whilst we were standing admiring them the Mountain Man mentioned that we are but grains of sand in an expanding universe.

Of the billions of stars out there that we see, there are many more billions that we do not see.

There’s a galaxy, the Milky Way and in that galaxy is our Solar system, of which we are on one planet, Earth, which consists of continents, and countries and provinces and states and the towns and suburbs and homes and eventually there is you, one of 16 billion other humans.

Knowing this can make one feel pretty small and insignificant but each human being is a universe on their own.

We have our bodies and within our bodies are organs and they are made up of cells and in those cells are molecules and they can be broken up into atoms which are protons and electrons and furthermore there is the space in between.

We are even hosts to many species of micro organisms that live on our skin and in our bodies(good human microbiome if you don’t believe me). And to those organisms their universe is your body and mine and everyone elses.

So, as we expect the Sun to shine for us so these organisms expect our hearts to keep pumping. How we treat and what we do with our bodies affect billions of microbes that actually help us live. In turn what we do to our planet effects it and what happens on one planet can effect the solar system…..therefore in the end the Universe at large.

And what’s that space in between?  That space is the glue that connects, everything that was and everything that will be, it shifts out of form and into form, some call it God, small call it the Great Spirit. It is what makes flowers grow, it is what makes the lions roar and it is what makes us, as humans feel.

So do what will make your body strong, do what your soul yearns to do, feed your mind with everything you’ve wanted to learn. Our awareness gives us the opportunity to choose to do great things (and the trillion little guys that are depending on you).

It is only once we learn how to nourish mind body and soul that we can nourish others(including those trillions of little guys inside you).

Getting back to the hike:

After a few hours sleep the sun rose over the plateau and  kissed us all awake. It was chilly outside but the cold was invigorating and refreshing and after breakfast, caffeine and another walk amongst the landscape we were all toasty warm.

One of the most pleasing experiences was seeing the wonder and awe in the faces of six men, who, for some, were witnessing the grand majesty of the Drakensberg. Stretching out to the left and right unmoving and immense. Not only were they sharing a number one experience with one another but with something bigger than all of us.

Still I cannot even begin to wrap my head around the behemoth that is the Drakensberg. It never fails to take my breath away, never fails to give me hope, never fails to give me perspective. Never fails to open my mind and stretch it far beyond my comprehension.

And as people we encourage and support each other… we are all there for one another.

Even when we came down the mountains, where defeated I walked through the gates behind all the other men, and when the Mountain Man had a chuckle at expense…I was upset and I wanted to throw a tantrum. The competitive spirit in me was most definitely lying on the ground kicking and screaming worse than a two year old toddler in a Supermarket.

But, as with the gully there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance and it’s been a while since I’ve been humbled.

No, I am not Wonder Woman. I am only human. I have faults. I get angry and moody, I get tired and I get stressed. But I can do something about all of these things. I will never be perfect, but I can take these experiences and make them work for me or learn something from them.

And to round up:

Never forget your toothpaste(especially if you’re planning to drink)
Let Go(unless you’re abseiling)
Ask for Directions(and if that fails have a peek at the Gps at your disposal)
Expect the Unexpected(but if the unexpected it expected is it still unexpected?)
If you’re a girl take every opportunity to go to the loo( or you’ll walk a few good km’s to find a convenient rock or bush).
If it looks too easy it probably is(especially when it comes to a Gully).
Always take thermals(nights are pretty chilly without them).

And lastly…

Watch out for head injuries…you never know when one will come up.

http://www.souladventures.co.za/hiking-trails-south-africa

Lifes’ Unanswered Questions

Anyone care to have a go at lifes’ unanswerable questions?

 

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why do irons have a setting for permanent press?

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?

How young can you die of old age?

Can you be arrested for selling illegal-sized paper?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you’re born again, do you have two belly buttons?

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

Will your answer to this question be no?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

If you choke a Smurf, what color will it turn?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?

If swimming’s such good exercise, how come whales are so fat?

If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?

How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there?

Do we make bombs better or worse?

Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?

If a person told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe them?

Can you learn to read from a “Reading for Dummies” book?

If someone gives you a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, where does the other penny go? Do you get change?

If pro is the opposite of con, and progress is moving forward, what is congress?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

Why is an alarm clock going “off” when it actually turns on?

If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

Why is it that raindrops, but snowfalls?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconuts, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed,” when afterward, it doesn’t work anymore?

If a drug store is open 24 hours, why are there locks on the doors?

If you make a cow laugh, will milk come out its nose?

Why can’t Mr. Fork and Mr. Electrical Socket be friends?

Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if i squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”

If a schizophrenic threatens suicide, is it declared a hostage situation?

Why was the Holy Roman Empire neither holy nor Roman?

If a tree falls on a mime in the woods, and there’s no one there to hear it, does the mime make a sound?

What is the speed of darkness?

If a man washes a dish, and no woman is around to see it, did it happen?

Why doesn’t onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Do three headed fire dragons have heated arguments with themselves?

Why exactly is there a snow-globe with summer scenes?

What do picket sign writers put on their signs when they go on strike?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?

Why is minimalism such a big word?

If buttered bread always lands on the butter-side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what happens if you strap buttered bread to a cat’s back?

What’d happen if the man took the advimil and the woman took the viagra?

Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can’t they just get taller women?

Do fish get thirsty?

If you learn from mistakes, why aren’t I a genius?

Why don’t people on TV ever go to the bathroom?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?

Why do banks leave both doors open, yet they chain pens to the countertops?

Why do people order a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a diet soda?

Why is there Braille on drive-through ATM machines?

Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?

If a building is on fire, and you make more fire, would it be considered making the fire worse or better?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

How is it that “Fat Chance” and “Slim Chance” mean the same thing?

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?

Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM.?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called a cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why are hot dogs sold in packages of six, but hot dog buns in packages of ten?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?