Things I Cannot Live Without: Music

I have vivid memories of a long gone era, when I was young and my parents were still married. When evenings were filled with music and dancing.

Some of the most special are of my father singing “Blueberry Hill” by Fats Domino or him crooning to “November Rain” by Guns and Roses. It was no surprise that most of these moments were when he was tipsy, sometimes not. He was a conservative man but through music he awakened. These were the times when he most displayed his affection, either with my mother, myself and my siblings and his extended family.

I remember going to a music festival with him when I was seventeen. Nevermind Oppi Koppi or Splashy Fen, I went to KKNK( the Klein Karoo Nationale Kunstefees – an arts festival in Oudtshoorn). Afternoons consisted of drinking cheap bottles of wine and listening to musicians, young, old, Afrikaans and English. I had to live in a tent for a week nd had to deal with my father trying to bum cigarettes off me as he had recently found out that I was a smoker. He had quit for two years, but that didnt deter him from asking. Being the good daughter I refused him a ciggy everytime.

Although I thought the trip might be boring…afterall I was 17 and a typical rebellious party animal daughter…I took the portunity to spend the little time I could with my dad as my parents were divorced and we didnt spend a lot of quality time with him back then.

Well, it is one I will never forget. Instead of watching me like a hawk he let me do pretty much what I wanted to. If I didnt want to spend tme with him I could walk through the small town of Oudtshoorn dropping in on little art shows and comedians, looking through flea markets and meeting some interesting people.

I remember sunshine and music. Blackie Swart singing “Luwe Lulu” and heaing some David Kramer and Koos Kombuis. I could barely speak Afrikaans back then, hell I stil do a shitty job of it, but it wasnt so much undersanding what they were singing about because it was about feeling.

And music is about feeling.

Music is about laughing and crying, about lifting the spirits or sometimes fueling your anger. The strumming of a guitar and the beat of a drum. A voice singing a tune, someone singing along, the clapping of hands and the movement of feet to tunes.

I remember my darkest moments, lying alone in my bed, the tears streaming like a flood; to the sounds of Pink, or Guns and Roses, or Matchbox 20 or Sara Barielles or Live. Has your heart ever been in so much anguish that you cannot breathe, your chest is caving in and in those moments you are so completely overcome with grief you feel you will die?

Have you ever been at a concert and they play your favourite song. Thousands of people dancing and singing to the same lyrics. Almost as if you are in trance. A feeling of complete elation and bliss that cannot be substitute?

It is true that I love the mountains, but second to the mountains is music. I cannot go long in this “Babylon” without it.

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Mafadi – A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

Mafadi Peak

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The Mafadi Experience

Take all your fears and your worries and put them on a mountain and what do you get?

Those same fears and worries reflected back to you, but where you have no choice but to face them. The mirror will not simply go away.

I know I’m mountain obsessed. My fellow guide, Jubber calls my blogs “mountain sheizer porn” (does that mean shit mountain porn?). He may have even compared it to Mills & Boons.

I really don’t care.

I’ve spent the last three nights and four days huddled in a tent with two women who were strangers ,before the Mafadi Trip, but now are more than friends.

This “hike” was a test of my mental and physical endurance, people skill and or lack thereof.

In four days we battled the elements, sun, wind, precipitation, white outs in the snow, have to navigate through an ice and snow laden pass, putting what should have been a two day hike into one to reach “civilization” in time, constipation in icy cold weather (yes, constipation so bad you have to sit in the freezing cold snow for up to half an hour before you can get back into your tent).

I could go on for hours, but honestly, those of you who have done some climbing, mountaineering or overnight hiking will know this. And those who haven’t are most saying:

“What the Hell were you thinking?”.

Refer to my last post, as I asked myself that very same question before doing this trip.

Right now I’m writing this blog looking at the very mountains I have come from. The tops are sprinkled with snow and the peaks stand benignly in the distance. Unmoved. Unshaken.

And I sit here again in total awe of them. Even as I’m typing this the tears are running down my face and I feel stupid.

They’re only mountains.

That’s what they said.

But they are something much deeper, something that lies deep within us all.

We children of the mountains…

What I saw in the women I had the greatest pleasure in accompanying was more than soul stirring.

It was a testament to human endurance. Both mental and physical and spiritual.

Two women, one with mountain experience and one without. Polar opposites in many ways. Whom I walked with up the mountain, shared every waking hour with in a tent just big enough for us to lie next to each other side by side.

Where a decision to go out to the loo became a two hour personal war. Where sleeping was a luxury. Where putting on our literally frozen shoes meant sacrificing warmth and comfort.
Where physically they were pushed not only past barriers, but shattered them. Where despite there bodies time and time again wanting to quit. Or their minds fighting their fear of heights, their anxieties of getting lost or being unable to make it back down.

They may have had fear in their hearts, but I only saw courage and determination. Wills of iron.

Not once did either say “I cannot do this”.

Snow, steep passes, toilet issues, blisters, walking in darkness, trusting one another, keeping the spirits up, these women beat all these odds and came out on top.

In truth, we did not summit Mafadi. We were camped around two hours away, but the weather did not allow for us to reach the peak.

But as far as I am concerned, and they are, we reached the top. We have seen things many others will never dream of seeing in their entire lifetimes.

The mountains have shown me that the human spirit is far stronger than the body. And it has no boundaries. We can push so much further than the “I Can’t” attitude we so easily throw up there when the going gets tough.

I’ve not only come back down from the mountain humbled but I feel a peace in me that was not there before.

The Spirit of the Mountain has enveloped me.

Vince Lombardi Said It

“Gentlemen, we are going to relentlessly chase perfection, knowing full well we will not catch it, because nothing is perfect. But we are going to relentlessly chase it, because in the process we will catch excellence. I am not remotely interested in just being good.”
Vince Lombardi

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Count Em All

Most of the time life blows.

If I look back on the almost 30 years of my life so far most of it was pretty shitty. I can’t lie. My parents divorced when I was young. Most of my school life was trying to fit in which turned out to be a collosal fuck up most of the time.

I was one of those kids that never quite fit in.

Even today I can count the friends I’ve kept from my school days on my one hand.

Yeah I have “friends” on facebook and other social media, but as far as us having seen each other face to face?

Hell, I see myself somewhat socially inept. I don’t know how to deal with others’ crises, I sometimes can’t even handle my own.

I guess that’s typical of a Virgo. Putting things into boxes and then leaving them to gather dust…

Or

…Over analyzing everything to death. Breaking it all down and trying to make sense of it.

I prefer my boxes. Sometimes not dealing with crap, be it mine or someone elses is better than trying to make sense of it.

I don’t know if that makes me a shitty person or friend. I can offer my shoulder, but will it do any good? We all have to dig ourselves out of those pits when the time comes.

One of my fears?

Is being a burden. It’s the constant nagging feeling that I am a drain to those around me as opposed to not being a drain?

I’ve never wanted to be pitied upon, okay, maybe sometimes, my sister knows all about those moments.
Hey, sometimes its nice to have a pity party alright?

I love being social, I love having a good time with people, but sometimes I still feel like the “outsider” looking in.
It’s sometimes easier being a recluse. Lying in bed until past 2pm, reading, dozing, just being anti social.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t question everything. Sometimes I wish I could’ve been happy with my white picket fence.

No questioning, routine, a mediocre life, a comfortable income. What more could anyone want?

Well apparently I wanted more.

And then I realize that I am exactly where I want to be.

The friends that I have, I know they have my back. The job that I have, pretty fucking awesome.

I have the most beautiful child in the world, and as much as I hate it when at almost five she is giving me shit… She is independent, happy, fiesty, questioning and kind.

Every time I see her smile I know I have so far done something right.

I’m happy to be me, just plain old me.

And yeah, most of my life has blown, but the last two years have been pretty fantastic, and its getting better.

So in those sucky moments, when things are fucking you over. Have a look at how far you’ve come.

Hey…you haven’t offed yourself so it can’t be that bad.

Count those little blessings, because, in the end, they are the big blessings.

Ten Steps

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it’s yours to keep for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, “life.”

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation . The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.”

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6. “There” is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”

7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

The Moment

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In the moment nothing is right or wrong,it just is.

Food for Thought

How can you find your lifes’ passion if you don’t try everything at least once?

Find It

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Things I Cannot Live Without: Books, Books, Books and Rabid Dogs

Have you ever found a really old book? Perhaps in the far end of a drawer, or somewhere out of reach on your book shelf or in a box packed away with other long forgotten treasures.

A good old paperback with dog ears on both corners on the front covers, where the title and the authors name has already been mostly worn away. The pages withered and yellowed with age, the creases in the corners where one may have folded it over to keep their place. The creaky spine barely keeping all the pages together, sometimes allowing one or two loose.

And the smell. Something so ancient and calming. Like walking in the silenced passages of a library. The smell of a book or books, that knowing inside that you may learn or grow or become entranced in another world, if only for a few hours or minutes a day.

As if the words on the pages have as much meaning as the book itself, how neatly it fits between your two open palms, or clutching it in one hand while having a sip of your coffee. Or trying not to get it wet while soaking in a dreadfully warm bath, or whilst you’re trying to cook.

When you stay up until the early hours of the morning riveted by the tale unfolding as you read every word.
You fight sleep, regardless of work the next morning,promising to only read another page which inevitably turns into another chapter, especially if the next chapter happens to be less than ten pages long. When you know if you look at the time that you will have to wrench yourself away from the sentences that have bound you for hours on end. Knowing that you may go hours before you can submerse yourself in the story once again.

Where you feel you are the protagonist, the hero or heroine, walking with and through them, not knowing where the journey may take you. Solving murders, finding love, journeying through the wilderness, going on an epic quest, finding dragons, interviewing vampires, out running serial killers and rabid dogs. Facing supernatural powers and battling alien spaceships and dealing with demons. Conquering illness and overcoming disabilities and finding hope.

Seeing through someone else’s eyes, transforming yourself, uncovering world truths and sometimes lies. Learning how to cook or cope with children. How to perhaps love better and look after yourself.

A place to retreat to when the world is too much. When the lights are too bright, when people don’t understand, when the colours of life are no longer bright.

Sitting with your child and reading a story, or simply pointing out new things to them as babies. Seeing the wonder in their eyes as they not only look, but feel and mouth those lovely hard covers and squishy books they make for the little ones these days.

A life without books?

Could there be such a travesty?

I will never forget the first time I was pulled into and a part of a novel. When the book bug bit.

I’d never been an avid reader as a child. I cannot recall my parents reading to me although they were both avid readers themselves. There was no shortage of books at home.

My name, in fact, comes from a Mills and Boons of all things!

But no, I never did read much. The school library was a waste of a lunch hour. Why spend time reading when you could be with your friends?

No, I was never much of a reader.

Until one day…

My father came home from work hefting I think it must be about five books(five because that was the maximum number of books one could take from the library).

I didn’t pay much heed until he came over to me and plonked the book in front of me.

It was massive and I was only eleven. A hardcover book with, it must have been, at least five hundred pages. I looked up at my father, checking for any signs that he had gone insane in the last few hours while he was at work. Well, he hadn’t started exhibiting any outward physical signs yet. But I knew he had lost some marbles if he expected me to read this book that lay before me in two weeks. Hell I couldn’t finish the instructions on how to build my Barbie doll house, nevermind this monolith of a book he thought I might read.

Before I could tell he could get knotted in manner that was acceptable coming from an eleven year old he asked me to read the blurb(the short description of the book either on the back of a book or on the inside front of the book jacket). He also asked me to give it a chance. If it took longer than two weeks to read, then he would renew it for me at the library.

Well, what eleven year old would pass up the opportunity of reading a book about a dog(yes, I am a dog person but hopefully not in the ugly person kind of way).

Where were we.

A book about a dog. But not just any dog, but a St Bernard(aren’t they the most awesome?) That becomes rabid and kills not only it’s owner and family but virtually keeps a mother and child hostage in a car for days on end.

Who wouldn’t want to read that? Well I guess most eleven year olds. Hell, I don’t think many eleven year olds had parents that thought it wise to give their eleven year olds horror stories by the greatest horror and supernatural writer to have ever livedz…none other than Stephen King.

My first adult novel took a total of five days to read. It consumed every free moment I had. At school and at home. When I was supposed to be sleeping, when I was on the toilet and in the car. When I was eating breakfast, supper or lunch.

Cujo consumed me. For five days I was trapped in a car trying to survive the onslaught of a giant dog that’s only ambition and focus was to eat me and my child.

I also learned how to use a dictionary. And it was the first time I blushed reading a book.

When a woman uses the word “flaccid” to describe a mans penis it is not a good thing.

Since then I cannot begin to tell you of the countless numbers of books I’ve read. By the time I was fifteen I was reading at least five fivehundred page books within two weeks(no, I didn’t get out much!). My idea of spending a day at the library across from my dads work was a day well spent.

There are few things in this world that can beat lying in with a good book, a cup of coffee and a warm blanket.

Nope…I could never live without my books!

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