The Skinny on Men

I’d like to think I’m particular when it comes to men. In fact I think I’m downright fussy.

I wouldn’t say I have a “type” but a few certain aspects that make up a man have to be just right to grab my attention.

But there is ne thing that I still can’t wrap my head around, something that I’m still very indecisive about men.

It is size….you know…there below the waist…before you all start thinking with your dirty minds, pull them out of the gutter.

I’m talking about the size of a man in jeans. No, not the bulge in the front of a mans jeans! Let me see if I can explain this in laymans terms:

Jeans come in many cuts, boot leg, straight leg, skinny, ripped, acid wash, baggy, etc. As with women the shape and size of the jeans on a man can turn hunky into downright scary.

We’ve all had that awkward moment when the tops of our bottoms have peaked out of our jeans, or we have been witness to this not so savoury sight:

Plumbers Crack.

Women the world over have suffered for too long where the trend has been low waisted skinny jeans. The only way to overcome plumbers crack is to remain in an upright position permanently or wear a blouse so long that when you sit down or bend over the offending crack is well hidden.

Just Say No To Crack!

But the wheel turns and now skinny jeans are trendy for men!

Now skinny jeans aint called skinny jeans for nothing. You need to be semi anorexic to look half decent in a pair. Men and women alike.

But there is something deeply wrong with a man wearing skinny from the start.

An anorexic man? Well that implies no muscle tone whatsoever, and from my standpoint that means I will most likely be able to kick that guys ass from here into his next pair of skinny jeans.

Okay…I won’t lie…some men can pull it off, but if I tried my luck with any of them I might be arrested for soliciting a minor. Because honestly, have you ever seen. A man over 25 years old wearing skinny(Bon Jovi is the exemption to the rule).

If you are over 25 you’ll most likely come down with a case of “plumbers crack” and “beer gut front”….did I just puke a little in my mouth?

Yes I did.

Let’s not even go down the path of the adolescent boys that choose to wear OVER size jeans that barely hang off their tiny hips(these boys are also most likely Manorexic. It’s a wonder they even put boxer shorts on underneath.

Any man my age doing that?
Well they deserve a man size wedgie!

But wait older men have their faults when it comes to the denim variety too.

Jean shorts. Those horrible boxy grandpa pants(because you probably are a grandpa if you’re wearing them”.

Crap.

I think I puked more than a mouthful there.

So, where was I?

Something about jeans?

Apparently guys can be brutally honest with each other, so take your “best man friend” shopping with you next time.

And when trying on your sexy little skinny jeans don’t forget to ask:

“Does my dick look big in this?”

Let’s see how your Bromance weathers that little question.

The Male Camel Toe

It’s Friday Bitches!

Lifes’ Unanswered Questions

Anyone care to have a go at lifes’ unanswerable questions?

 

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why do irons have a setting for permanent press?

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?

How young can you die of old age?

Can you be arrested for selling illegal-sized paper?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you’re born again, do you have two belly buttons?

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

Will your answer to this question be no?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

If you choke a Smurf, what color will it turn?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?

If swimming’s such good exercise, how come whales are so fat?

If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?

How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there?

Do we make bombs better or worse?

Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?

If a person told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe them?

Can you learn to read from a “Reading for Dummies” book?

If someone gives you a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, where does the other penny go? Do you get change?

If pro is the opposite of con, and progress is moving forward, what is congress?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

Why is an alarm clock going “off” when it actually turns on?

If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

Why is it that raindrops, but snowfalls?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconuts, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed,” when afterward, it doesn’t work anymore?

If a drug store is open 24 hours, why are there locks on the doors?

If you make a cow laugh, will milk come out its nose?

Why can’t Mr. Fork and Mr. Electrical Socket be friends?

Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if i squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”

If a schizophrenic threatens suicide, is it declared a hostage situation?

Why was the Holy Roman Empire neither holy nor Roman?

If a tree falls on a mime in the woods, and there’s no one there to hear it, does the mime make a sound?

What is the speed of darkness?

If a man washes a dish, and no woman is around to see it, did it happen?

Why doesn’t onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Do three headed fire dragons have heated arguments with themselves?

Why exactly is there a snow-globe with summer scenes?

What do picket sign writers put on their signs when they go on strike?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?

Why is minimalism such a big word?

If buttered bread always lands on the butter-side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what happens if you strap buttered bread to a cat’s back?

What’d happen if the man took the advimil and the woman took the viagra?

Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can’t they just get taller women?

Do fish get thirsty?

If you learn from mistakes, why aren’t I a genius?

Why don’t people on TV ever go to the bathroom?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?

Why do banks leave both doors open, yet they chain pens to the countertops?

Why do people order a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a diet soda?

Why is there Braille on drive-through ATM machines?

Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?

If a building is on fire, and you make more fire, would it be considered making the fire worse or better?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

How is it that “Fat Chance” and “Slim Chance” mean the same thing?

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?

Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM.?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called a cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why are hot dogs sold in packages of six, but hot dog buns in packages of ten?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Extra Extra

As a part of my new adventures I signed up with a casting agency to make some money as an extra on any film or series sets. The work may not be consistent but it is fun and the cash is good.

I had my first “gig” yesterday as an extra for an international series with some pretty high profile actors.

I played a casino extra which had me in a tiny little dress and sky high heels…and with hair and make up I looked pretty hot if I do say so myself.
Apart from standing in my heels(just like 30 other extras), which was very close to torture of the worst kind, the experience was like no other.

You have a behind the scenes look at how much effort goes into film. Camera angles and filters, positioning, remembering lines, lighting and make up touch ups and that is barely scratching the surface. In fact, the easiest job is to be an extra as it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to be one.

But all the cast and crew take all this work in stride, and you can truly see that they love their work most of the time. They are always joking around, playing pranks and making fun of one another.

Another aspect is where they shoot.
The set(which was a casino floor) was located on the ground floor of an abandoned hotel located in the centre of Johannesburg. All well and good the most likely only took up a third of the ground floor of the hotel, which meant that there were two thirds of the area we could explore between takes. And I must say this was extremely creepy.

On the outskirts of the set, where we were  kept in a “holding area” things were weird. The smokers found the abandoned kitchen which didn’t seem like a kitchen at all but more like a scene out of the series “Dexter”. The stainless steel food prep tables could have accomodated a human body easily and there were crimson stains on parts of the tile covered walls that looked eerily similar to blood. Curiousity got the best of a few of us and so we went further than the kitchen where we found dark rooms with all sorts of bizarre equipment(whether it was our imaginations or not who knows!).

Some of these were odd metal frames that seemed perfect for shish kababing human bodies, man sized fridgeds for storing corpes and one of the most terrifying was a large dark alcove with metal cages, ones big enough to hold human prisoners, and these were conveniently situated right next to the service elevator!

There was also no cell phone reception anywhere in the building, that and the fact that there was no natural light anywhere that we could see.

Overall the place was the perfect hunting ground for a demented serial killer or a group of cannibal movie stars luring people to their doom under the clever guise that they required extras for a particular scene for their movie.

All in all it was a day to remember, I left having met many new people, got to see a part of a series being filmed and I was also a part of it! The extra mystery of the set location was a real bonus and the food wasn’t bad either!

So was it fun? Hell yes! And would I be an extra again… Most definitely!

50 Shades of Twilight

Yes, the title says it all and for a change I am not going to mince my words…well I will try not to mince them too much.

After having read the first installment of the 50 shades series, I am one hundred percent convinced that EL James, the author of this series, is in fact a psuedonym for widely know and well published author who has had made millions on her debut series of novels.

Yes…EL James is none other than Stephanie Meyer.

And to make it worse…she couldn’t even think of an original storyline but in fact stole from herself.

50 Shades and Twilight are the same novels…just remove the vampires and werewolves, make all the characters a little older and add some porn…wait… Make that a lot of porn.

Anastasia Steele is Bella Swan:

Socially inept girl that has never had a boyfriend or lost her virginity. Actually quite pretty but has a really low self esteem with a lip biting problem. Very smart and loves reading old English literature that mimics her life circumstances. Stays in a cold rainy wet city with little sunshine. An eccentric mother that lives in a hot sunny city miles away from her daughter. Has a male friend who has the hots for her and she only sees him as a brother and a best friend who is completely self absorbed.

Christian Grey is Edward Cullen:

The adopted son of wealthy parents, one being a doctor. Handsome, intense and dangerous. A very jealous man that believes in as little “meaningful” physical contact as possible. Someone that love playing sad sack songs on the piano alone and serious stalker issues.

The storyline is virtually the same:

Two people that would never under normal circumstances fall for each other but due to his serious issues – Christian is a Bdsm nut and Edward a vampire.
The heroine deals with the conflict of being a good girl and saying no to the possessive stalker boyfriend but mostly kisses his ass all the time while obsessing about him and the way he moves, talks, kisses and other darker sexual talents. Nevermind the fact that she is actually a sex addict (yes Bella Swan is a sex addict…just read their honeymoon trip over).

Oh yes!

Did I mention that both Anastasia and Christian even in their twenties don’t like clubbing and going to pubs and drinking and listening to current music.

No they stay @ home and listen to classical music?

Good Lord…just close your eyes and you will see that the only man that can play Christian Grey is Robert Pattinson and the only peron who can play Bella…oops…I meant Anastasia is none other than Kristin Stewart.

And you’d think Stephanie Meyer would’ve brushed up on her writing skills…but no…50 Shades takes the cake in shitty handwriting…Inner Godess my Ass!!!!

Never mind that, but she makes a bestseller again with the same drivel!

We are tired of being told that we should have and pursue a relationship with a seriously fucked up, obsessive, controlling, stalker Sadist that has a bag load of money and is more miserable than pig shit.

And if you want tips on great sex…buy a porn magazine. They say a picture is worth a thousand words….hell I would say most porn mags are in fact literary genius compared to the vomit inducing rubbish that is know as 50 Shades(Twilight for Adults).

Please excuse me while my Inner Goddess puke a little bit in her mouth!

The Gooses Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse Part Four

So…you almost thought for a second there that I was Zombie fodder…well if you were paying any attention to my first installments you’ll realize we are far from being prepared for the apocalypse.

Let’s talk Guns and Weapons….my favourite subject.

Yes, you want an arsenal of weapons….you need to remember that come Z-Day you want to already have all your weapons on hand….this is to avoid the looting scenario…you know…when everyone realizes its the end of the world and they ALL rush off to the local gun shop to get their weapons only to realize the local gun owner has gone bossies and is using hand grenades to deter anyone coming within 500 yards of his door.

Note: some of you are thinking let’s become a gun shop owner…therefore plenty weapons at your disposal…well have you not just read the above? These poor guys are going to be mobbed and most likely killed within the first 24 hours of the first Zombie reports either in the paper or on the news.

So you want to be buying your weaponry well in advance…hell…you are going to be the local gun store owner very happy(little does he know his awesome sales now will not help his lifestyle whatsoever as he will be coming to an abrupt end not too far in the future!

It would also do you a lot of good to contact some illegal weapons dealers so you can get your hands on some military grade hard core guns and ammo.

Now…before we go into detail about exactly which weapons to use….because there are so many awesome guns out there…let’s look for inspiration.

Strangely enough…Zombie movies only really promote two weapons……namely the shotgun and the machete. No one will deny that these two weapons are a must to have in your weapons cache( and multiples at that…at least 10 shotguns and 10 machetes with enough ammo to bring down a horde of flesh eating Zombies!

So…back to some Gunspiration.

First and foremost….Terminator 1, 2 and 3….specifically number 3 where Sarah Connors casket does not in fact contain her body but awesomely is a weapons cache of note….my favourite….the Bazooka…and if you don’t know what that is…please do yourself a favour and kill yourself now(you are not worthy of seeing the apocalypse LOSER!)

Again these movies demonstrate the importance of a shotgun…hell if a few rounds from a shotgun can slow down a terminator cyborg from the future where the machines are in control….well then you know a shotgun will totally ruin a zombies day.

Next up…and yes my movie inspiration has dried up completely at this point…we now need to introduce the man and legend of guns and weapons use…this guy is so totally awesome that he knew that to be successful in his endeavour as the expert in all things related to weapons he would have to change his name and adopt a Russian accent…..some say he is even russian spy…he is no other than…..

Dmitri from the FPS Russia

Even Dmitri knows the importance of Z-Day preparedness and has a host of You tube clips dedicated to teaching us how and where to and what weapons to use in the event of a zombie invasion.

This guy is not cool…he transcended cool many ages ago…when he showed us how to use a flamethrower properly, how tracers work(uber fokken cool) and how to use explosive rounds( all important when blowing zombie scum into smithereens- don’t you just love that word? SMITHEREENS!)

Next up in the series we will go over exactly what weapons are needed for the Zombie Apocalypse.

And for those of you that got this far….add your suggestions….as I said in the previous installment….the internet is a safe connection to others before the end of our world to Zombie scum.

Have nice Day

The Gooses Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse Part Two Chapter One

To recap on the first part of my guide to surviving the Zombie Apocalypse:

1. Make sure you are living in a Third World country with an investment in Sustainable Energy.

2. Either work in an environment that has as little contact with other people as possible, or become a stay at home gamer/computer geek/slacker.

In this part of my guide we are going to look at stockading and defences before the Apolocalypse as well as the “human factor”.

3. Cash In Those Policies

Yes, cash in your retirement annuities, life policies, university funds and investments. Why? Well if you are going to be fully prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse you need to note a few things:

a) It is more than likely thathe apocalypse will occur in the next 10 years. If we have a look at the advances in technology, warfare and bio chemical weapons and research and the political state of the world, some idiot somewhere is bound to unleash the virus sooner rather than later. So you are saving all those pennies for an old age, where you may already be dead or living in a world that knows nothing about consumerism and currency, stocks or bonds.

b) You will need your cash now to begin stockpiling and storing weapons, food and basic essentials. Not only this but you need to make sure that the home you are living in is Zombie Proof. Because, if you have been keeping up so far, you will most likely be at home when the Apocalypse begins.

4. Stockpiling Food

There are a few parts to making sure you have enough food for the apocalypse.

Firstly, you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that you will one day basically be a vegetarian. Meat is going to be hard to come by and difficult to keep, so prepare yourself now by eating meat only once every month, because you might not be getting it even that often once the apocalypse arrives. You want to leave your home as little as possible, if at all, to prevent unnecessary infection/sightings/etc.

Secondly, as many of you may have thought, that on the verge of or at the beginning of the apocalypse you’ll hightail it to the local mall and either raid\loot it for all you want or to cosy up there like they did in Dawn of The Dead:

Well dumbass…you are in for a shock. You will be one among thousands of hopeless losers that all think the same. Everyone will either want to leave town or stockpile, so you are in for major traffic congestion and super long queues at the local mall(which equals sitting ducks for hungry zombies). And it is thanks to Dawn of the Dead that will make every idiot that has seen the movie decide go to one.

Your aim here s to make sure you don’t have to do a damn thing when the shit hits the fan, other than enjoy the end of the world from the comfort of your home.

Remember I told you to cash in your policies…well you are going to be buying alot of stuff NOW. Preparation and foresight is much better than being an asshole that will be turned to a zombie because he decided to leave his Z Day shopping til the last minute.

Food is a major priority for obvious reasons. We are looking at loads of canned goods, vacuum packed food, even better - army and space rations. The further away the expiry date, the better. You also want to buy seeds…why…well canned goods and rations aren’t going to last forever and when they do run out, you had better have your own vegetable garden growing(where this garden will be shall be revealed later). You will also need to learn the art of canning and preserving your food.

Don’t forget huge drums for water storage, water is life, so this is a must. You will have your own borehole(more of that soon), so you will be getting plenty of fresh water to live on. Remember coffee(and tons of it…literally), this my seem to be a luxury, but its good to have when you need to be extra vigilant.

Chapter Two of Part Two coming soon.

Gym Partner Wanted

Here’s to dishonouring another year’s resolutions, isn’t it weird how we enter a new year with the best of intentions…only to see it fall flat by the end of January.

For instance…I have still to set foot into the gym…it’s not like I’ve been avoiding it(maybe a little) but I find myself doing other things. Yesterday evening I had the fullest intention of going, but by luck of the Irish, and by that I mean Emma my friend, asked me to go out and have a cup of coffee with her, which inevitably turned into a drink…well…a couple….okay okay…alot.

Anyway, the point being I missed yet another day of gym. So my porn star ass is looking more like a J Lo ass on a bad day. Well, not quite, but you know what I mean.

I also have a couple of DVD’s at home, you know the one’s…”Get a Bikini Body Now”, etc. But the problem is motivation. You see, why must I exercise when I can stick my nose into a really good book? Yes, I’m currently reading Stephen King’s ”Under the Dome”, which reminds me alot of his much older book  ”The Stand”. And I love it, I love the way that King explore’s the human condition and what people do under bizarre and stressful situatiions(things they would not do under normal circumstances). And if you are no fan of Stephen King then perhaps you have read Lord of the Flies by William Golding, which also delves into the subject.

Did I go off topic again? My humblest apologies.

So I am far more motivated to read a book than exercise at the moment, and whilst it isn’t a problem now, it may be in a months time. I can almost feel those calories depositing themselves onto my ass, laughing as they suffocate the gluteus maximus muscles.

I want to have a callipygous ass. In other words perfectly proportioned buttocks.

So I have alot of self motivating to do….or I need to get myself a gym partner. And I honestly believe that the latter is the only answer to help me on my quest for a delicious butt. So, if you know of anyone who is willing to put up with a constant whiner(yes, I bitch about everything I can at gym, from the weights, to the cardio to the goddamn sit ups!), someone whom you literally have to drag by the hair to get her to gym, someone who is willing to push me, because God knows I wont push me, and who is currently going to the Virgin Active in Benoni, then tell them to give me a shout.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Search Terms Gone Wrong Part Two

It’s that time again, time to review the latest and weirdest search terms leading people to my site.

Warning evil goose run away!!! - I may be a little cheeky, even naughty at times, but not evil…I don’t think.

Santa devouring children – now there’s a festive mental image for you.

Citati Ozivotu – this translates to Ozivotu mentioned, Ozivotu I have no idea.

Bull Dog Star Wars – I can only imagine that thisperson was looking for the spoof of Star Wars, Spaceballs.

Encouraging quotes after a Break up – Let me know when you find a few, because I don’t have any.

McDonalds working in the Kitchen – I love Mackies just asmuch as anyone but hey, I passed matric, so no burger flipping for me.

Those are relatively mild, but below are a few that have me preturbed:

Emo Lesbian - I dont think so. I might be a little depro at the moment but no, not emo. And lesbian? Far from. I love men wa to much to give them up.

Fuck Buddy In Benoni - Err….ja…someone was googling this and came to my site? Thanks google…for thinking of me as a candidate for “fuck buddy”.

Girl sucks Dog - G.R.O.S.S……the image that comes to mind…*PUKE*. Really, that is wrong on too many levels.

Fuck my black ass benoni come to my Place - Again, no words, that’s wrong wrong wrong!

I’m still trying to process these last few terms. Really.

 

Roadblocks and Shooters

Christmas Eve and I am still recovering from Thursday evening, yesterday I was much too hungover to even contemplate writing about my misadventures.

A little breakdown on the week thus far. I had my baby girl with me and we spent some quality time with family, we also had an early Christmas for her in Jozi, due to the fact that she is spending the “real” Christmas day with her father at the coast. I wasn’t entirely happy about the situation and I miss my girl like crazy but I have to accept the fact that this is what it is going to be like for a very long time. I had to take her to the airport with my ex mother in law and I was very emotional to say the least.

Arrangements were made to see the boyfriend, but due to unforeseen circumstances and a broken pinkie he was unable to make it. On top of having had to say goodbye to my daughter I wasn’t in the best of moods. So my sister and I arranged for a bit of a night out. Her boyfriend, Duff, is in Scotland for the Christmas and New Year period.

We started our evening off at Cool Runnings but quickly left as we felt a little “old” for the crowd that was there…this led to us going to Tappetville(aka Hi Flyers), where we had a couple of drinks. We were soon ready to leave there as well, as I couldn’t much stand seeing so many scrawny guys wearing Tapout and UFC shirts….boys are you trying to compensate for something?

We then met up with Mr and Mrs Lavis and then did what any self respecting Boksburger would do(thought to be honest the only current resident of Boksburg is my sister) and got horribly drunk…it all started with Ponchos tequila, then Suitcases(Jack Daniels and Passion Fruit shooters) and copious amounts of Springbokkies(Amarula and Peppermint liquer shooters). I

Needless to say there are blanks(again!). But overall a “Moerse Jol”(huge party).

Eventually at God knows what hour it was time to go home, and though we rarely do this we had to drive completely and utterly under the influence of what feels like the whole bar. I am never proud to do this as I know there are dire consequences to drinking and driving.

Such was the case on this evening, as at 3am sometime that morning while my sister and I were driving home we drove straight into a roadblock and were told to pull over.

At this time I knew we were fucked. I was smashed, wasted, pissed and fubar(fucked up beyond all recognition). And as I pulled straight onto the pavement I started preparing myself for my first ass raping in jail.

The officer peered into the car and asked where we were going, to which I said I was taking my sister home, he then asked for my drivers licence and after some scrambling through the “Black Hole”(my handbag which seems to eat everything I put in there) I found it and passed it to the officer. He had a look and handed it back to me….and then….

He told us we could be on our way.

WHAT!?

I literally did a double, no triple take. I wanted to, for a very brief second, grab the officer and shake him rudely shouting “Can you not SEE how drunk we are?”. But that was maybe a split second. I hastily(okay, maybe not so hastily) pulled away, where my sister and I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. And then we did what anyone would do straight after having a brush with the law….we went to McDonalds and ordered 10 freaking chicken burgers? Err…yes…we are still tryng to figure that one out…but I think it had something to do with telling the poor staff of our ordeal with the law.

Next morning I woke up head pounding and stomach churning. My sister was dreadfully late for work and had to have an ice cold shower as I had neglected to put the geyser on the evening before. It made my morning listening to her hungover shrieks as she attempted to shower.

I also had to work…and it was the most dreadful time of my life. It was hot and I was sweating alcohol from every pore in my body. Needless to say it was a very unproductive day. Thank God for the chicken burgers though…they really did hit the right spot.

Friday evening began with my sister and I trying the “Old Hair of Dog” remedy, but after it took 2 hours to drink my daquiri I gave up. We turned to getting dvds, but the Postma sisters have impeccable timing and we drove through a torrential downpour and got pretty wet getting the movies…btw…”Resident” with Hilary Swank is a super freaking horrible creepy movie, if you haven’t seen it go get it.

Today I still feel like crap…I’m hoping to feel better after some breakfast.

PS: We are convinced that the only reason the police did not in fact arrest me is because I was taking my sister home, which implied that I was sober, dragged out of bed to come fetch my lush of a family member from the pub. We have now concluded that from now on when we do get horribly drunk there will be a set of pajamas, gown and slippers put on before leaving said pub, so as to make this story more legible.

PPS: No really, we do know the dangers of drinking and driving…don’t do it, it’s really bad for you and the other drivers on the road.