I don’t profess to know anything about relationships, in fact I know very little, though what makes anyone an expert when it comes to relationships anyway? We may have psychologists that specialize in the field on love, marriage and relationships but I believe they can only be a guide or offer insights into the mechanics of relationships.
In the end you are the one that has to make choices, based on what you have already dealt with, what you are dealing with and what you are prepared to deal with in the future.
So what does this have to do with me and my love life, or lack thereof?
Well, I have some insights regarding this subject over the past few months. Some truths I can handle and some not so much, that I am trying to deal with or should I say ignoring flat out most of the time.
I spent most of my adult life in a long term relationship, part of that was marriage and the end was divorce. Looking back I cannot blame my ex or myself for what happened but I can only look back and be thankful that instead of a long, drawn out, painful ending to our marriage, we both did what would be best for our daughter.
This is not to say I did not leave without scars.
I realize now that I not only gave too much of myself but I sacrificed too much of myself. I was nineteen when I met my ex, young and impressionable and the reationship moulded me.
I became a shitty stepford mum.
By that I mean that I did what I could to be the perfect wife. Cooking of meals, dinner parties, domestic work, mothering and being dutiful to my husband.
The shitty part is that all through this I knew it was little more than an act. Deep down inside I knew that this was not the mould for me, there was more for me than being chained to the basin and washing machine.
Toward the end I felt trapped, caged into an existance that was not meant for me.
Fast forward to post divorce Goose.
Words that come to mind are: Wild, Untamed and Fiercely Independant.
Those words do not mix well with relationships.
My first relationship consisted of many nights drinking far too much for my liver to handle and far too much sex and not much else. I guess that is what a rbound is about? Looking back The Rocketeer mentioned this but I was caught up in a wave of post divorce elation to see it for exactly what it was.
The second relationship was pretty much the opposite, many dinners and movie nights and quite a bit of romance. The Vegetarian was very affectionate and this was something I did not deal with well at all. Imagine trying to break in a Wild Horse. That pretty much sums it up. It ended hardly before it began.
Since then I havent been in a relationship. Only series of false leads and dead ends.
I blame this almost entirely on my choices.
You see, there may have been great guys that were genuinely interested in me, men that I could have pursued “proper” relationships with but I either did not see them or ignored them flat out.
The men that I found myself interested in?
Unavailable. All of them. Either already in relationships or emotionally unreachable or way out of my league.
I am the type of woman that naturally gets along better with men on a friendly level. I enjoy physical competition(I used to do kickboxing, one girl in a class of men) and men arent as touchy as women are and I can be downright sarcastic and rude, which most women my age find inappropriate(I have very few female friends who get me or are pretty much the same as me, but very few).
I guess loud, sometimes arrogant, sarcastic, competitive and rude do not make for girlfriend material.
I am not the type to take home to your mother.
I’ve tried behaving…but again that does not gel with who I am at the moment.
I have done the stepford wife before and I am not too keen to take up that role again.
It doesnt mean I dont want a relationship.
It also doesnt mean that I do want a relationship.
This year I have been focused on my career and what I plan on doing for the rest of my life and this has left very little of my time, in fact virtually no time to indulge in relationships. I am either away in the Drakensberg or in the Pilanesberg or I am at home with my Daughter. At the moment I am not willing to give up either for a man.
This lifestyle fits in with my fear of committing to anyone pretty well. Even if I had the time for a relationship or tryng to find one I am almost in no doubt that I will be attracted to the same men that cannot commit to me. What I am putting out there is what I am getting…and that is no commitments.
It all boils down to me being petrified of sacrificing and giving myself up again to the one I love. And who will be able to deal with a woman that is never available, because there is no chance I will give up what I have now…not for anything.
Slim pickings then for me, isn’t it?
I had someone tell me that Bear Grylls would most likely be the perfect companion for me…about right…but he is unavailable isn’t he?
Besides…who would date a guy that drinks his own piss?
Maybe I could “Tap” that?