The Iron Curtain

So I figured it out…..I do have a heart…..and I do have feelings. My emotions are not worn on my sleeve but are in fact better at being invisible than even a ninja.

I am pretty retarded when it comes to other peoples feelings….I don’t know how to deal with it. Part of comes from the fact that I would feel like I’m lying if I tried to console someone…..I can never truly know how someone is feeling so how can I make them feel better.

I guess I’m also more of “practical” person. I like to put others and my own emotions into a box, label it and then do what I need to do with it and then carry on.

But I never really forget…..and at the most inopportune times…those feelings bite me in the ass. So I guess it isn’t healthy.

I also reckon that I don’t want anyone to see what I’m feeling….at least really feeling…because I’m scared of being exposed, especially to hurt.

I wouldn’t say that my heart is locked up…..but more that there is an Iron Curtain surrounding it. Still affected by the outside world but not allowing anyone to see what’s going on inside.

I think it is safe to say that at best I come off as happy go lucky where everything slides off me like water on a ducks back. And at worst I come off cold and unemotional.

I believe I have a great capacity for love and I have loved….but it takes a lot to get past the Iron Curtain…and you won’t even know it. But once you are in…its almost impossible for me to get you out.

I guess fear rules me a lot more than I thought….especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

So where does it leave me?

Well I guess it means that I have to find the ninja and get behind the iron curtain and really see what’s going on inside my heart.

And that’s a start.

It Is What It Is….

So I had the full intent on studying this morning…better yet…writing a post about the impending Zombie Apocalypse. But as I sit here staring at the computer screen I realize that I might have to get serious, and here I am almost choking on the gum in my mouth but yes, I have to be serious once in a while as much as it pains me to do so.

We all have to make choices as we grow up, as we take part in this life. Choices are inevitable, always there and always coming and going.

Many of those choices are second nature, they form a part of our daily routines and habits…like brushing our teeth(granted some don’t even make that choice…yuck!) and which way to work and choosing how much sugar we want in our coffee. Options are endless, it’s amazing what our brains are able to acheive in the space of a day. Give it credit…give yourself credit…you are a miracle of nature, with a mind and the gift of free will.

The heavens know that I have made alot of choices, some good and some bad, some out of necessity. Hell, I have even chosen not to make a choice(a paradox if you will).  I am a firm believer in No Regrets and I believe the decisions we make are the right ones for us at the time. I think we go too long in our lives trying to re write our memories, living in a fantasy world that does not exist. Nothing can be done, it is just spending the sweetness of now on a yesterday you can never change.

The mind is a powerful thing…look at the placebo effect…it is real that you can affect your body…that you can heal yourself to a certain extent using only thoughts…we don’t come near to using the full potential of our brains…imagine what we could acheive if we did?

Most of us, including me, are just sometimes too pre occupied with those darned memories…those choices…and then the bitter pills of resentment, anger, loss, pain, shame and lost loves are swallowed up and eat us from the inside out.

Yes, a lot of those memories are great…but those memories tend to leave us yearning for the past yet again. 

There is nothing you can do about the choice you have already made. What is done is done and it is what it is. No second takes…no second chances…one life and a series of choices and events that shape who you are.

They may help shape who you are, BUT THEY DO NOT DEFINE YOU. You ARE NOT YOUR CHOICES. You are a devine creature, here to experience and use every day as an opportunity to learn, grow and become a better you.

It’s not what you do when you fall, it’s what you do when you get up.

With that being said I by no means think that we have to wear a hardened exoskeleton…I think it is okay to sometimes have your heart break a little…to feel some regret…to feel some pain. To look back and sometimes wonder what might have been.  

Sometimes.

Not all the time…not too little either. We remember so that we can make informed choices. Our memories are an encyclopedia of do’s and dont’s.

Today I’m not particularly in the mood to get up. But that is today.

And we have tomorrow and the next and the next.

And I’m not nearly done.

Not at all.

 

 

 

 

Some Nights – Fun

Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw
Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they’d just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I’m still not sure what I stand for oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don’t know anymore…

This is it, boys, this is war – what are we waiting for?
Why don’t we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype – save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard and I’m half as liked, but here they come again to jack my style

And that’s alright; I found a martyr in my bed tonight
She stops my bones from wondering just who I am, who I am, who I am
Oh, who am I? Oh, who am I?

Well, Some nights, I wish that this all would end
Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights, I’m scared you’ll forget me again
Some nights, I always win, I always win…

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I’m still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don’t know… (come on)

So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this?

No. When I see stars, when I see, when I see stars, that’s all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like this one, so come on
Oh, come on. Oh, come on, OH COME ON!

Well, this is it guys, that is all – five minutes in and I’m bored again
Ten years of this, I’m not sure if anybody understands
This one is not for the folks at home; Sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?

My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she call “love”
But when I look into my nephew’s eyes…
Man, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from…
Some terrible lies…

The other night, you wouldn’t believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we’d both agree
It’s for the best you didn’t listen
It’s for the best we get our distance.
It’s for the best you didn’t listen
It’s for the best we get our distance.