The Gooses Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse Part Four Chapter One

Yes Assholes…Z Day is coming…and if you aren’t prepared you better get started…you think I’m talking Bullshit…YOUR LOSS…and the ZOMBIES’ GAIN…you might as well stick a label on your forehead saying:

“ZOMBIE CHOW”!!!

You are going to need some serious weaponry and weapon skills in the post apocalypse era…and if you think you will just hide out in your Ivory Tower, whilst the years while away, hoping not to come into contact with any other zombies or people…then you SUCK!

The Zombie Apocalypse is the only apocalypse that is not only Feasible but also UBERCOOL….no no no…SUBZERO COOL!

Why?

Hell, we can kill, maim , dismember, torture, shoot, behead and stab as many people as possible. Yeah, it sounds terrible doesn’t it? But in what society are we allowed to express our deepest darkest desires without the moral obligation?  

Hell…I would LOVE to show Justin Beiber what I really really think of him…yes Beiber fans…he will be zombified. Nevermind shooting that bastard/bitch of an ex point blank in the forehead…hell I get goosies thinking about it.

The best part is…there is no jail…and no guilt…they were zombies…it was your duty to send them to kingdom come. You will be looked apon as a hero…that is if anyone knows about you.

So you need a super stacked armory to get yourself going. I have already given you some gunspiration and if you’ve been to lazy to do your homework I’ll hold your hand and guide you through the maze that is Z Day Weaponry

MELEE’ WEAPONS

These weapons are obviously not guns and are for use in close quarter combat…at this point you are surrounded by a bunch of flesh eating brain dead zombies looking to munch on your brains. Personally, I am not too fond of being in arms width of a zombie, and to be honest in the best of circumstances this would not happen, but we have to prepare for anything and who knows…you could be doing a weapon/food run and you might be lurched at by a lucky or not so lucky zombie.

A word of warning when it comes to close range combat…please make sure you have a visor/mask that covers your face. Remember you will be at least in arms length of a zombie and the likelihood of blood spattering all over the place while trying to dispatch one of these critters…and blood in anyone of your orifices’ means infection…GAME OVER.  

BASEBALL BATS/CRICKET BATS

Wooden and Metal(only baseball bats), bats are pretty awesome. Batter up…these may not be too effective in crushing a zombies skull but definitely in slowing them down when you are faced with more than one. And if you are faced with a single undead being feel free to pulp his brains to bits. Available pretty much everywhere, I recommend you have 5 metal bats and 10 wooden bats in your armory before the apolcalypse.

Nothing beats the satisfying Thwack of a baseball bat against the head of a Zombie…

TIRE IRON/CROWBAR/BATONS, ETC

These items are only being listed here because they may not be perfect for use against a Zombie, but can be used when nothing else is on hand. Remember that you will have a tire iron in the event that you are travelling in a car and a crowbar obviously to break into building for supplies, etc. There is very little probability of killing a zombie with these weapons so dont even try…the motive here is SUBDUE AND RUN.

MACHETE

Long or short these weapons rock…this is for the more blood thirty Zombie hunter that likes to see the terror in the undeads eyes…not really…but you catch my drift.  You can hack at a zombies skull and even make an effort to decapitate or dismember the zombie…just imagine one desperately crawling toward you without any limbs…there is a sick satisfaction in there somewhere…you know it.

KNIVES

Utility knives and combat knives are the best. We are looking for a dual purpose here. Again a knife will not kill your zombie attacker but it’s just enough for you to get away. I quite like the Trench knife which comes with a knuckleduster type handle for ease of use. A Katar…well..look it up…you can punch a zombies face off with one of these! Bayonets are knife blades attached to the end of your gun/s, use only as a last resort but a must in making sure you have all your bases covered.

KATANA

For the ninja in all of us. Hard to come by, but if you are able to get one before the shit hits the fan…learn to use it and sharpen it properly. With this weapon Zombie hordes may just cower in your shadow. The katana will slice and dice Zombies into itty bitty pieces…fancy some filleted zombie?

AXE

The standard axe is pretty much also one of those multi purpose tools…not very effective for multiple killings as the blade will probably embed itself into an undead skull and thats the end of that as a weapon.

OTHER

Now I know you all are sitting there thinking :

“Hell you skipped alot!”

Well yes. I am not going to bother to mention cool sounding weapons such as the Shaolin Spade, or Flail…partly due to the fact that to find genuine items such as this, that are actually able to cause bodily harm, is barely possible and even if you could the amount you would pay for it would be put to better use on some proper weaponry….such as GUNS!

And then I hear you ask about the chainsaw…. other than the fact that it is either reliant on gas or electricity, which will be scarce if not impossible to come by post apocalypse…chainsaws are large awkward weapons that without proper handling will have you most likely seeing your bits chopped off (see Dawn of the Dead bus scene… some poor asshole loses more than an arm!)

Thats about it for Melee’ weapons…you can add your two cents…but remember…your aim is not to be up front and personal with an undead warrior…

Next Chapter…we start looking into the COOL STUFF…be on the lookout…and remember…THE END IS NIGH!

Netball, Mothers and Exotic Dancers

Where I where do I begin?

It’s Sunday evening and I am exhausted….and as much as I’d like to blame it on boozing and too much partying….for a change it isn’t!

Well…..that is sort of true.

Let’s begin with Friday evening when I gingerly agreed to go a an alternative/metal night club for a Sex Party…..yes….you read correctly….but give me a moment to explain.

Once a year the Black Dahlia has an event called a Sex Party, which boils down to strippers and topless waitresses….now there were a few other things that were promised but not quite delivered but we’ll stop there.

On arriving at the venue we weren’t too surprised to find that the power was out. The entire block was in fact out….and the club did not have a generator…so we sat in candlelit darkness waiting to see if the power would come back on…..during this time it was established by one vegetarian and a tappet that my running skills resemble that of a penguins….never mind the fact that I was trying to run in heels and a very short denim dress.

After a drink or two we gave up Dahlia and went to another pub/club in the area…but not without taking the dentally challenged DJ’s number so that we could ascertain when and if the strippers were still going to make an appearance.

Off to fruit and veg where we got complimentary tequilas(and you know the night goes downhill from here don’t you?). After a short stay there we made our way back to Dahlia so as not to miss the show! We got there and the place was pumping with a whole 30 randy guys and about for brave women(including myself).

Stripper Number One pissed me off to no end….she may not have had a pretty face but a body to die for…and a suppleness only months of working on a pole could create. The conclusion was that some men still don’t know how to undo bra straps and the removal of an article of clothing is far more entertaining than the nudity itself.

In between dancers a topless waitress was dishing out body shots….and by this I mean using her boobies to hold a shot glass while a customer downed the drink….entertaining much?

The second act was only really memorable for the hot candle wax that was used in places where I cringe to recall…..I’d best try to erase certain images from my mind completely.
Afterward a trip to Cool Runnings for a jol with the usual crowd…..hehehehe….where it seems I am far more fit to be a bouncer lady than a waitress if ever I decided to work at my local.

On our way home the Vegetarian was adamant on finding cheese….so off we went in the golden spaceship in search of….only to realize that the only cheese you’ll find at a 24 hour store is processed sliced cheese.
Getting home the Tappet made us toasted sandwiches, where somewhere in between, he cut his finger, I still can’t recall him letting us know about this mishap.

Off to bed and up way too early Saturday morning where I virtually had to resurrect myself from death to get my babalas butt off to Netball, of all things, on a Saturday morning.

It was an awesome experience getting the juices flowing and I found that I have quite the competitive spirit in me. Due to this I was set up to goal defence against a male tri-athlete bigger than I. I don’t think I have had the misfortune of running so much in my life before.

It was super duper lekker fun!

Afterward the Addicted 2 Adventure crowd had a chilled braai around a fire with the men taking turns at the guitar playing songs ranging from Koos Kombuis to Joe Cocker and Kid Rock. It was superb evening…..

….Until…..

I was described in such a manner that scared me a little.

One of the A2A gents, by the name of Bubbles, said that I was The Hangover Part Three.
By this he meant that if anyone went out with me they would never come back the same, if ever.

Erm….thanks?

I knew I was a little crazy…..a bit out there…and a part of me was wild……but all I can think is this:

“How the Hell can I actually be Crazier and more Dangerous than the Asian Guy, Leslie Chow?”
You know the one…..the little bastard that jumps out of cars and ice machines half naked?

Apparently who needs a Roofie when they have me!

Mothers day was pretty cool too….got an awesome all over body massage(and you with the sick mind…yes you…stop it!)….from a great boyfriend. Got to debate around a fire with my brother and got to have an awesome lunch with my family.

Other than the phenomenal stiffness I am still feeling ALL OVER my body…..a great weekend all in all.

Ms Exotic Mother Queen Goose Chow.

Apathy and Assumption

Apathy:

1. Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference.

2. Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.

 

Assumption:

 

1. The act of taking to or upon oneself: assumption of an obligation.

2. The act of taking possession or asserting a claim: assumption of command.

3. The act of taking for granted: assumption of a false theory.

4. Something taken for granted or accepted as true without proof; a supposition: a valid assumption.

5. Presumption; arrogance.

6. Logic A minor premise.

 

Sympathy:

 

1.

a. A relationship or an affinity between people or things in which whatever affects one correspondingly affects the other.

b. Mutual understanding or affection arising from this relationship or affinity.

2.

a. The act or power of sharing the feelings of another.

b. A feeling or an expression of pity or sorrow for the distress of another; compassion or commiseration. Often used in the plural.

3. Harmonious agreement; accord: He is in sympathy with their beliefs.

4. A feeling of loyalty; allegiance. Often used in the plural: His sympathies lie with his family.

5. Physiology A relation between parts or organs by which a disease or disorder in one induces an effect in the other.

 

Empathy:

 

1. Identification with and understanding of another’s situation, feelings, and motives.

2. The attribution of one’s own feelings to an object.

 

Loquacious:

 

 characterized by or showing a tendency to talk a great deal

 

Associate:

 

1. To join as a partner, ally, or friend.

2. To connect or join together; combine.

3. To connect in the mind or imagination: “I always somehow associate Chatterton with autumn” (John Keats).

v.intr.

1. To join in or form a league, union, or association. See Synonyms at join.

2. To spend time socially; keep company: associates with her coworkers on weekends.

n. (-t, -t)

1. A person united with another or others in an act, enterprise, or business; a partner or colleague.

2. A companion; a comrade.

3. One that habitually accompanies or is associated with another; an attendant circumstance.

4. A member of an institution or society who is granted only partial status or privileges.

5. often Associate An associate’s degree.

adj. (-t, -t)

1. Joined with another or others and having equal or nearly equal status: an associate editor.

2. Having partial status or privileges: an associate member of the club.

3. Following or accompanying; concomitant

 

Dissociate:

 

1. To remove from association; separate: “Marx never dissociated man from his social environment” (Sidney Hook).

2. Chemistry To cause to undergo dissociation.

v.intr.

1. To cease associating; part.

2. Biology To mutate or change morphologically, often reversibly.

3. Chemistry To undergo dissociation.

 

How to use these wonderful words in a sentence:

 

Do not make the assumption that my lack of  loquacious sympathy or empathy are a sign of apathy. Also don’t assume that we are associated with someone that we have in fact disassociated with.

 

Strippers and Rebounds

So we all know I haven’t exactly been blogging all the time the past few months…life has been on the go and between work and social I haven’t really found the gap to write all the things I want to write…so while I should actually be studying for an exam later this month…yeah, I am such a rebel…I want to catch up with all the things that have been floating around in my head.

Bachelor Parties a la The Hangover

After the first two installments of the movie “The Hangover”, which has been wildly popular, a trend of pushing the limits and “competing” with the weird, dangerous and wild antics of the movies characters has occurred amongst young men all knowing someone to be married or getting married themselves.

Whilst I have no problem with strippers and having fun there is a fine line between fun and recklessness. Many men and women alike have the idea that because it is someones bachelors/bachelorettes that they can get out of hand and lose control and use the excuse that it was all in the spirit of the party. Most of these “hooligans” are in fact in relationships or married themselves.

There are a few things I have to say about this…

If you behave in such a way that you would never behave like in front of your partner or spouse then you are not meant to be in a relationship. It is as simple as that. It does not matter whether your partner is uptight or not, it means that you are not fully being you and that is not fair to yourself and your partner.

Have some integrity. If you say you are coming home at 2am…then come home at 2am. Because these parties do get out of hand there is alot of reason for your partner to be concerned about your whereabouts and it does not help if you pitch later than agreed to. Put yourself in their shoes…would you like to be at home worried about your partner at 3am in the morning…when you have no idea where or what they are doing and you are unable to reach them? Exactly.

It’s called Integrity…and we can all learn…even myself.

Rebounds

I’ve had alot of time to reflect and think in the last few months…well I always do…but I have gained perspective on a few things that are worth mentioning. 

“ A “rebound relationship” is one in which a person becomes overly quick to commit to a new partner after having experienced an upsetting breakup or divorce.”

Looking back on my behaviour since my divorce last year it is clear now that I clearly fell into the rebound trap. As much as I would’ve liked it not to be, especially at the time, it was.

I went straight from a divorce into a relationship with The Rocketeer. At the time he was the one concerned that he might be the “rebound”, which obviously told him he wasn’t. But looking back he was. I ran into something I was clearly not ready for. I was an emotional wreck at the time and didn’t even realize it. Coming from a “cold” relationship it was difficult for me to know what emotions I was feeling let alone how to express those emotions.

We rarely dealt with “feelings” or spoke about them and when we did, I realize now that I remained aloof and cold, trying not to express anything…I was petrified of being hurt and so I distanced myself and effectively became a prop in the relationship. I left all the decisions up to him…how often we saw each other…how often we spoke…what we did…and whom we did it with.

I’ve come to accept that relationship for what it was…I did fall in love…but the relationship itself was unhealthy. When the Rocketeer did end the relationship it wasn’t entirely a shock, it hurt like hell, and it took a while to heal and there were tears, but looking back I saw it for what it was. I can only wish him all the best.

It took a few months for me to be with me…to dive into my friendships and into enjoying life as a single woman. I think I pretty much successfully did that…sometimes the brakes fell off…sometimes they weren’t even there. But I had to find out who I was without having someone that I could lose myself to or use a relationship to distract me from issues that I needed to deal with.

Although I am not 100% there I am learning…not only about myself but also how to deal with others…how to be a little warmer and affectionate. One step at a time.

That being said I am currently in a relationship with a Vegetarian…someone that I do enjoy whiling the hours away with, someone that I am slowly learning how to be affectionate with.

Life is Awesome.

Xxxxx

The Gooses Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse Part Four

So…you almost thought for a second there that I was Zombie fodder…well if you were paying any attention to my first installments you’ll realize we are far from being prepared for the apocalypse.

Let’s talk Guns and Weapons….my favourite subject.

Yes, you want an arsenal of weapons….you need to remember that come Z-Day you want to already have all your weapons on hand….this is to avoid the looting scenario…you know…when everyone realizes its the end of the world and they ALL rush off to the local gun shop to get their weapons only to realize the local gun owner has gone bossies and is using hand grenades to deter anyone coming within 500 yards of his door.

Note: some of you are thinking let’s become a gun shop owner…therefore plenty weapons at your disposal…well have you not just read the above? These poor guys are going to be mobbed and most likely killed within the first 24 hours of the first Zombie reports either in the paper or on the news.

So you want to be buying your weaponry well in advance…hell…you are going to be the local gun store owner very happy(little does he know his awesome sales now will not help his lifestyle whatsoever as he will be coming to an abrupt end not too far in the future!

It would also do you a lot of good to contact some illegal weapons dealers so you can get your hands on some military grade hard core guns and ammo.

Now…before we go into detail about exactly which weapons to use….because there are so many awesome guns out there…let’s look for inspiration.

Strangely enough…Zombie movies only really promote two weapons……namely the shotgun and the machete. No one will deny that these two weapons are a must to have in your weapons cache( and multiples at that…at least 10 shotguns and 10 machetes with enough ammo to bring down a horde of flesh eating Zombies!

So…back to some Gunspiration.

First and foremost….Terminator 1, 2 and 3….specifically number 3 where Sarah Connors casket does not in fact contain her body but awesomely is a weapons cache of note….my favourite….the Bazooka…and if you don’t know what that is…please do yourself a favour and kill yourself now(you are not worthy of seeing the apocalypse LOSER!)

Again these movies demonstrate the importance of a shotgun…hell if a few rounds from a shotgun can slow down a terminator cyborg from the future where the machines are in control….well then you know a shotgun will totally ruin a zombies day.

Next up…and yes my movie inspiration has dried up completely at this point…we now need to introduce the man and legend of guns and weapons use…this guy is so totally awesome that he knew that to be successful in his endeavour as the expert in all things related to weapons he would have to change his name and adopt a Russian accent…..some say he is even russian spy…he is no other than…..

Dmitri from the FPS Russia

Even Dmitri knows the importance of Z-Day preparedness and has a host of You tube clips dedicated to teaching us how and where to and what weapons to use in the event of a zombie invasion.

This guy is not cool…he transcended cool many ages ago…when he showed us how to use a flamethrower properly, how tracers work(uber fokken cool) and how to use explosive rounds( all important when blowing zombie scum into smithereens- don’t you just love that word? SMITHEREENS!)

Next up in the series we will go over exactly what weapons are needed for the Zombie Apocalypse.

And for those of you that got this far….add your suggestions….as I said in the previous installment….the internet is a safe connection to others before the end of our world to Zombie scum.

Have nice Day