Shakespeare Said It

 Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs. Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers’ eyes. Being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers’ tears. What is it else? A madness most discreet, a choking gall and a preserving sweet.

William Shakespeare

 

We are going to “Kill A Man Charo”!

So it has been decided that in two years a few of us will be climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. Yes, you heard me correctly, we will be climbing Africa’s tallest mountain (which in actual fact is a dormant volcano).

Now I’ve never really wanted to climb mountains and all, and it was never on my bucket list, but my sister is determined to do it, and to be honest, after doing a bungee jump nothing seems to be impossible anymore, well, most things at least.

I am going to make you my Bitch!

Am I scared? Hell yes. Long distance stuff has never really interested me before, hell you will never catch me doing a triathlon, marathon, or any other thon for that matter(well at least not yet) but Mount Kilimanjaro is described as a “Hike” so it can’t  be that bad after all, can it?Well, you’d be surprised how very few of the websites advertise the con’s of such an expedition.

The highest up there in the con’s list is Altitude sickness. What sucks about this is that there really is no  way of preparing, defending or knowing whether you will fall ill to it. It is a lucky draw at best, regardless of your health. The only sort of advantage one may  have is being a smoker….yeah well I am sure as hell not starting smoking again.

Altitude sickness is caused by reduced air pressure and lack of oxygen and symptoms can be mild(headaches, insomnia and loss of appetite) or symptoms can be life threatening (chest tightness, confusion, coughing up blood, etc). In which case you will be taken down the mountain as soon as possible.

Then there are the othe con’s to hiking in general but to find them on the internet is like trying to find a needle in a haystack:

You  may lose your toenails…gross…but due to friction apparently it’s a common side affect of  long distance hiking and due to the fact that you are exposed to the elements and the wild, you could possibly lose an appendage(ie nose from frostbite) or get attacked by animals, fall and break a limb,suffer exhaustion….blah blah blah..believe it or not I just thumbsucked all of those as you can’t get this information on the internet(thanks  a freaking load world wide web!)

But like I said before I jumped off the Orlando Towers Bridge:

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

The answer was that I could die…but you know what…that didn’t stop me, because after all…is dying that bad? We are all going to die someday and hell, if we were that afraid of dying we would all be in little padded rooms anyway. So my thoughts are go ahead and do it…if you live…it is the tale of a lifetime, and if you die, people will know that you at least tried or you went out in a memorable way(if not in a totally nuts way!).

Hell, I really can’t wait to tick this one off the Bucket List!

The Gooses Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse Part Two Chapter One

To recap on the first part of my guide to surviving the Zombie Apocalypse:

1. Make sure you are living in a Third World country with an investment in Sustainable Energy.

2. Either work in an environment that has as little contact with other people as possible, or become a stay at home gamer/computer geek/slacker.

In this part of my guide we are going to look at stockading and defences before the Apolocalypse as well as the “human factor”.

3. Cash In Those Policies

Yes, cash in your retirement annuities, life policies, university funds and investments. Why? Well if you are going to be fully prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse you need to note a few things:

a) It is more than likely thathe apocalypse will occur in the next 10 years. If we have a look at the advances in technology, warfare and bio chemical weapons and research and the political state of the world, some idiot somewhere is bound to unleash the virus sooner rather than later. So you are saving all those pennies for an old age, where you may already be dead or living in a world that knows nothing about consumerism and currency, stocks or bonds.

b) You will need your cash now to begin stockpiling and storing weapons, food and basic essentials. Not only this but you need to make sure that the home you are living in is Zombie Proof. Because, if you have been keeping up so far, you will most likely be at home when the Apocalypse begins.

4. Stockpiling Food

There are a few parts to making sure you have enough food for the apocalypse.

Firstly, you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that you will one day basically be a vegetarian. Meat is going to be hard to come by and difficult to keep, so prepare yourself now by eating meat only once every month, because you might not be getting it even that often once the apocalypse arrives. You want to leave your home as little as possible, if at all, to prevent unnecessary infection/sightings/etc.

Secondly, as many of you may have thought, that on the verge of or at the beginning of the apocalypse you’ll hightail it to the local mall and either raid\loot it for all you want or to cosy up there like they did in Dawn of The Dead:

Well dumbass…you are in for a shock. You will be one among thousands of hopeless losers that all think the same. Everyone will either want to leave town or stockpile, so you are in for major traffic congestion and super long queues at the local mall(which equals sitting ducks for hungry zombies). And it is thanks to Dawn of the Dead that will make every idiot that has seen the movie decide go to one.

Your aim here s to make sure you don’t have to do a damn thing when the shit hits the fan, other than enjoy the end of the world from the comfort of your home.

Remember I told you to cash in your policies…well you are going to be buying alot of stuff NOW. Preparation and foresight is much better than being an asshole that will be turned to a zombie because he decided to leave his Z Day shopping til the last minute.

Food is a major priority for obvious reasons. We are looking at loads of canned goods, vacuum packed food, even better - army and space rations. The further away the expiry date, the better. You also want to buy seeds…why…well canned goods and rations aren’t going to last forever and when they do run out, you had better have your own vegetable garden growing(where this garden will be shall be revealed later). You will also need to learn the art of canning and preserving your food.

Don’t forget huge drums for water storage, water is life, so this is a must. You will have your own borehole(more of that soon), so you will be getting plenty of fresh water to live on. Remember coffee(and tons of it…literally), this my seem to be a luxury, but its good to have when you need to be extra vigilant.

Chapter Two of Part Two coming soon.

Oprah Winfrey Said It

“One of my best moves is to surround myself with friends who, instead of asking, “Why?” are quick to say, “Why not?” That attitude is contagious.”

Epic Weekend Much Much Much!

Whoa…what a freaking weekend…I’m actually relieved in a small way that it is actually over.

Friday evening was supposed to be pretty tame(yeah what was I thinking?) with a couple of drinks with my sister at Cool Runnings in Benoni. It’s always great to start the weekend with an ice cold Hunters and great conversation. I was due to leave when my sister did but I ran into friends that askedme tostay for a couple of drinks and this turned out to be the rest of my evening, with me bumping into more people that I knew that insisted I stay for “one” drink…but it seemed like every time I turned for the door, another drink would appear…must say I had a Tequila Slammer…which proved to be pretty tasty.

I eventually had to drag myself away from the hooligans at Cools and headed over to my intended destination for the evening which was “Book Club” with the gal pals. On arrival I was greeted with the warmest of wishes, a fire in a wheel barrow and sparklers(thanks to MINKI!). The drinks were plenty and we really did have a jol, speaking of life and love and friendships. The evening drew to a close and I greeted sleep with open arms.

Saturday morning we woke up fresh and early, remember Restless Parent Syndrome, and got ready for our paintballing excursion at PaintballCity in Germiston. There were a tota of six of us, three men and three women, and very cleverly(insert sarcasm) decided to have a battle of the sexes. We donned our outfits, where we women looked more like Smurfs and the men like Terrorists and loaded our guns…can anyone say HKGK!

For half of us it was the first time,including myself, and I really did not know what I was getting myself into. After being struck the first time I promptly decided to forget about the flag and take cover for the duration of the game.

The Ginga Ninja dominated the game, capturing the flag for his team 3 out of the 4 games we played. He also barely got shot, until the ast roud where, after he had run out of bullets, tried to make a Geronimo jump over a ditch in an effort to capture the flag, but alas I was waiting(scared outf my mind) at the bottom of this ditch hoping that I wouldnt be shot. Well I was lucky, as he jumped I managed to shoot him in the leg, he fell then  me and demanded my ammo!

Mr Montie perhaps sustained the worst injuries as he landed in a tight squeeze where my sister had the perfect position to shoot him and she did, at close range. Paintballs are not fun, in fact they leave horrible purple welts that are pretty sensitive to the touch.

Ze German played a very tactical game, taking captives, blocking enemies coming from all sides and getting the women to work together as he ended up with us on more than one occasion. In the last round we were able to use his skill to win the game.

Minki was pretty fearless…pushing forward in order to capture the flag.

My sister and I had te same idea, stay put and look after the flag, which is what we tried our best to do.

That said, Paintball is definitely a winter sport. Once all your gear is on, you literally start sweating buckets. It is nasty. Trying to sit and wait for your enemy to sneak up on you, you have sweat literally dripping into your eyes,you clothes are left soaking wet, and it feels like you have lost hundreds of pounds.

Other than the welts, it was great fun, it got our adrenaline pumping and is a definite must, at least once in your life!

That afternoon it was off to a Homecoming party, where we were able to chill and enjoy great conversation and awesome music. The food was great…in fact I have to get the spinach salad recipe…oh my soul it was absolutely devine! We also hada couple of moments with Jeffrey, yeah, he was there too, how do we know….by the call of the birds….kaaa kaaa!

The Minks and I then did something almost entirely unheard of….we went home and were in bed early. But there is always a reason…and this was becuase the following day was the much anticipated bungee jump! This time we wanted to finish the job as the rain interfered with the First Attempt.

We were all up birght and early to go through to Orlando Towers in Soweto. We were a little worried as the morning was heavily overcast, which if it rained, would yet again postpone our bungee jump, which would’ve been completely unacceptable. So off we rushed to get there in time, we got there, already a little bitof liquid courage under our belts. We were told to register immediately because of the impending rain. So off we went to sign our lives away and get weighed and then strapped in. It was then time to go up in the elevator, where we were a little worried as the actually had an elevator repairman working on it with insulation tape. Up we went, right to te top again, where the heavens decided to be kind and the sun shone through.

Minki, being the one with the greatest fear was told to go first by us. It cant have been easy, in fact, I realize it must’ve been almost impossibly hard to do, but after encouragement ad a few tears, she took the leap into space and fell 100m until the rope bounced her back up and down again…Kaaaa Kaaaa!

No one had to tell Duff to jump twice, he jumped off and into the nothingness no problem, but lot his car keys, which thankfully sailed to the mat below. My sister was up next but after seeingte incident with Duff’s keys, realised she had one loose item she had not taken care of.

Her glass eye!

She was about to put it into her bra but luckily they had a special bag they attached to the bungee rope for such occasions(but doubtfully ever before for an eye!)

My sister jumped and then it was me, and for a few moments I actually considered not jumping. My heart was beating a little faster and I realised that I was frightened. Hell it was a long way down!

I got to te patform where they ran through the safety checks swiftly and asked me to stand on the edge with my toes slightly over…well my body did not want this at all, butI raised my chin and stuck my arms in front of me……and jumped!

For the first few moments when you are free falling and you see the ground rushing up to your face at an impossible speed…well…thats when I thought I was going to die! But then te cord pulls you back up and you feel like you are flying, a totally intense feeling, adrenaline coursing through your veins…totally insane. You the go hurtling to the ground again, and I tried to back peddle as much as possible but, gravity says no.

I was lowered to the ground, my body flooded with excitement and acheivement…I had done it, we all had done it….AMAZING…no….EPIC!

We spent the rest of the day celebrating this great achievement.

What an awesome weekend, spent with great friends, old and new and crossing off items from my Bucket List…one by one.

Yes, a fantastic time was had indeed.

Friendship

Friend

When you are sad….I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue…I’ll try to dislodge whatever it is that is choking you.
When you smile…I’ll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared…I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried…I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused…I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick…stay the hell away from me until you’re well again. I don’t want whatever you have.
When you fall…I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

REMEMBER THESE TWO THINGS:

A good friend will help you move your furniture. Your best friend will help you move a body. 

A good friend will be there to bail you out of jail. Your best friend will be the one sitting next to you saying, “That was fucking awesome!”

The Goose’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse Part One

Now you all might think I may be a little crazy for evening writing about a zombie apocalypse, do I really think that zombies are going to take over the world?

Well as far fetched as the idea as it may be, I do find it a viable apocalypse theory. There is more plausiblity in a zombie zombie apocalypse than, say, a comet hitting the earth. Although a nuclear holocaust and a war against machines is also probable.

But the likelihood of surviving the impact of a comet(unless you are super filthy rich and can afford a ticket on board the shuttle U.S.S. Freedom) youare shit out of luck.

And your chances of survival during a war with machines? Well if your name just happens to be John Connor you are in luck, sort of (who wants to be hunted down by time travelling super cyborg’s hell bent on assasinating you……Not me).

So, the most plausible apocalypse where you are most likely to survive is a Zombie Apocalypse. It is also one where you would actually like to survive - as dealing with brainless, flesh eating zombies that are inherently slow(unless dealing with “I am Legend” zombies) you dont need to have a degree or even a black belt. Hell, the more you watch movies, play x box or surf the net, the more likely you’ll be able to qualify as a survivor.

1. COUNTRY

So first thing’s first…the Zombie Apocalypse has not yet arrived, but every day we are living on borrowed time, waiting for the inevitable day that CNN/SKY News releases news that there has been an outbreak.

The initial outbreak will most likely occur in one of the following countries:

USA

China

Russia

Germany

Japan

These are currently among the most powerful countries in the world, and as much as they would like to deny it, they are also the most lkely to have secret facilities doing biological experiments(mainly for warfare purposes). And a biological weapon/cure gone wrong is the most likely reason for there being a zombie apocalypse.

So, if you are currently residing in one of thes countries it’s best to high tail it out of there ASAP. Try a developing third world country, with a low population density, and a high interest in “green living” – think solar power, sustainable energy/food sources, etc.

2. YOUR JOB

Who care’s what you do for a living right? When the world is overrun with zombies noone is going to care whether you were a high powered banker or a burger flipper, right?

You may be right, but have you not considered that what you do for a living may put you at risk of becoming a zombie during the outbreak?

Well, I have news for you…

If you are a medical doctor(applies also to pharmacists and anyone else dealing with and dispensing medication) you are fucked. It’s logic. Within those first intial days you will be infected. This is regardless of whether you are in private practice or working at a hospital. When these people get sick they are going to come to YOU. What’s worst is you’ll probably be trying to diagnose little Sallys high fever when BAM she takes a chunk of meat from your neck.                                                                                                         

This applies for any public service profession – police force, army, cashier, burger flipper, lawyers, bankers, welfare workers, etc.

So if you see people at all in your job, it is time to quit. Become a writer, work from home, hell, rather cash in all your policies and live at home and play x box and watch zombie movies. And if anyone asks why….don’t tell them. Let them get eaten by Zombies.

The most importat thing about surviving a Zombie Apocalypse is after all, SURVIVING IT AND NOT BEING EATEN OR TURNED BEFORE THE DAMN APOCALYPSE HAS EVEN BEGUN!

That’s the end of Part One. Part Two coming shortly.

 

 

 

 

Love Sucks: East Meets North

So yesterday was Valentine’s Day and as we all know I was in far too good a mood.

My plans for the evening were to go to the Love Sucks Party at Jet in Northgate with my wing woman Minki (www.minkipraat.wordpress.com). We both got off a little earlier from work so that we could doll ourselves up for the occasion. The only real hassle being we had to travel all the way from Benoni to Northgate at rush hour. I must say I have never seen so much of Johannesburg as I did yesterday evening. I would normally hit the highway, but under Mink’s guidance we went her route, nothing wrong with that, and we didn’t get lost…High Five please.

We arrived at the Event just in time for the doors to open. Unfortunately there was no speed dating(which I would like to still try sometime) but there was a Lock and Key Game which was pretty cool. As registered “VIPS” the ladies were given locks and the men keys. The aim was to go looking for your “Match” and thene awarded with a prize. it was a great way to meet and start up conversations. Both Minks and I were able to find our “matches”, claimed our prizes(she opted for a wireless pair of headphones and I opted for a 5fm T Shirt).

There was a message wall where we were able to put messages up, where we were quiteshcked to see many my girls BBM pins…now call me crazy but that is crazy! There were a few love games on the stage and the music was phenomenal…and as much as I love Avicii…I don’t think I have ever heard as many different remixes of Levels ever in one night…it was truly insane…but made for great dancing music!

And dancing we did plenty of! Thankfully the dress code was “Smart with Slippers” so there were no foot injuries incurred…but my head is feeling a little sore(and who knows why…hehehehe).

We did meet guys…a few…some nice, some not so nice. It was the funniest thing asmost of the people there were from the North, it was quite a hoot for us ladies of the East to be mixing with a different type of crowd…but fun most definitely!

The big question is: does Love really suck?

No, not really.

And if I’m single over Valentine’s next year, you know where I’m going to be at.

 

Share The Love

Contrary to popular belief (and according to wikipedia), the celebration of Valentine’s Day had nothing to do with the “wooing” of the opposite sex. In fact, there were more than one “St Valentine” recorded, and the 14th of February was in fact a feast day for St Valentine(which one I’m not completely sure, but one if not all of them were christian martyrs).

It was only when the poet Geoffery Chaucer(in 1381) wrote a poem in honour of the engagement of the King Richard the Second of England to Anne of Bohemia.

For this was on seynt Volantynys day

Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.

["For this was Saint Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate."]

The irony is the fact that February in England is anything but mating season for birds.

But it was from this time that the 14th of February became, over the years, more closely associated with romantic love. And today we are bombarded by romantic images, gimmicks, commercials and paraphernalia denoting love.

Usually, you can seperate the pulation into two groups(with subgroups)

Non Believer – This type makes it known that they believe that the day is a money making racket. They are most often either single and disillusioned or men.

Believer – This type loves Valentine’s Day, believing love and all the othe shmaltzy stuff. They are most often either single and romantics at heart or women.

As much as I would love to keep my reputation as a bit of a “hard ass” and I know I’m losing at least 50 000 points by admitting this, I am a hopeless romantic.

Yes, I love sad love songs, I cry when I watch lame rom com’s that star Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, and I swoon at the sight of flowers.

But believe it or not, in my 28 years, I have not had one valentine. Yes, I was married for a good few years, but my ex was one of the non believers so we never celebrated it, not once.

Before then I was never struck by cupids arrow. And on this day, I find myself Valentineless. Sort of.

No, there is currently no “love interest” in my life at the moment, and yes, Valentine’s Day is focused on romantic love but that doesn’t mean you cannot love and be loved. When I awoke this morning I had already recieved quite a few Valentines greetings and I am still recieving. They may only come from my friends and family, but it is still a sharing of love and that for me is the most important message of the day:

Letting all those in your life know that you care.

Wow, tht was deep…perhaps a little too deep. But I can’t help it, for some reason I am uncharacteristically upbeat and positive today. Perhaps it hassomething to do with the fact that, even though there is no man in my life, I have plans this evening.

Myself and Minki are going to Love Sucks hosted by 5fm and Vuzu. Obviously aimed at the singles and perhaps a money making racket in itself, but what better way to celebrate being single? But I’ll bring you the scoop on that tomorrow.

My public service announcement today is:

“Share the Love…don’t be Stingy”

Beware…Ginga’s and Ninja’s Ahead!

As much as I’d like to High Five my liver for yet another awesome weekend, it has gone on strike. In fact it’s not talking to me anymore and not taking my calls. I don’t know whether it has just decided to ignore me or if it has actually run away and found residence in a tee totaler. I wouldn’t be surprised. In fact I’m about to run away from me.

Friday evening was a fairly quiet one, if you consider having your new boss over, who the makes the meanest curry you have ever tasted, I literally ate myself into oblivion. It was not a pretty sight.

Mostof Saturday mornnig was spent lazing about, spending some quality tme with my daughter and mother. That evening was when all the craziness started. What do you expect when it is a Ginger Scotsman’s birthday?

Well, contrary to popular belief, Ginger’s do have friends and a hooligan bunch at that. Most I had met before, as it was a birthday there were copiuos amount of alcohol, in fact perhaps a little too much…no not really…because there is never enough alcohol is there? Again my liver would protest to that especially when it comes to the chocolate tequila. Or the Poncho’s, or the Archers, or the Jagermeister.

And when it comes to chocolate tequila you had better watch out. It tastes so great that you cant help but have another and another and another….and the next thing you know you end up talking about evolution and God and politics and all sorts of other things that are perhaps better left said when you sober.

A few of my friends I havent seen in a while and were quite shocked that I had put my boxing gloves up and was no longer beating people up in my spare time. Well this led to an awkward situation where I had to show a couple of men my triangle choking skills…well it didn’t fair too well.

Let me make it clear that I was not out to hurt anyone and I only tried this on willing participants. I also made sure to explain that if at any time they felt they wanted to get out of it to just ”Tap Out”.

I will also mention this is a very bad idea when too many shots have been going around.

The first man for a spin was a personal trainer friend of mine.  I did the lock and as everyone watched I applied some pressure. Well, instead of tpping me on the arm, he attempted to tap me on my leg, instead of my arm, which I was completely oblivious to. So it was up to the spectators to jump in and let me know the guy wanted out. Well it was close as he almost passed out.

The other spectators were all wary of me now and chose not to volunteer, except for Wes, who bravely came forward as the next victim. Well Wes took it very well, so well in fact that the passed out, and no he did not tap out, not even when everyone watching cried for himo do so. I had a snooze for a couple of seconds before he “woke up” again. Needless to say I chose not to choke anyone else that evening.

Ther was a woman there with the most awesome tattoo’s…which has me itching for another…so watch this space!

There was a casualty as well, when one of the ladiestried to help one of he guys from falling over, where she ended up falling and cutting her chin open. It was off to the hospital and five stitches later she came back a little high from the anaestethic they gave her.

Other that that here was lots of dancing,great music, a smoke machine, disco lights, shooting some pool and lots of talk…an awesome party all in all…even for a Ginger called Duff ;).

All I can say is that I am slightly relieved the weekend is over so that my poor liver can recover, but then I realize that tomorrow evening is the Love Sucks event. and then I think about the comng weekend…and I realize that my liver hasevery excuse to go AWOL.