I think it is appropriate that I discuss my thoughts on marriage and divorce on my last day as a “wife”.
To me, marriage is companionship. I came across this definition:
“Companionship is that state of being friends. It is a closeness or familiarity,
a true fellowship among people who for some reason have connected. It is the
word that comes to mind when you hear the words life-long partners.”
This is the foundation for any relationship, afterall if you dont feel “connected” to someone, you surely arent going to want to spend your life with that person.
I believe wholeheartedly that my relationship with my “soon to be” ex was a companionship – for seven years. The last two, not at all. I loved him. I cared for him, I would have done everything for him. Our relationship and our marriage superceded all other relationships I had. I do believe I honored and even obeyed him and would have continued to do so had I believed he was doing the same thing.
People change and others stay the same, the most important part of being in a marriage is accepting and compromising with your partner, without compromising yourself. And if you learn and grow together I believe that a “happily ever after” is possible.
Unfortunately most of us either compromise ourselves, we change or our partners do and we forget about being companions, or about being there for one another. The companionship then disentragrates and all you are left with is familiarity.
At this stage one or both partners go looking for companionship, either with friends, or with other women. We try couples counselling or church or romantic getaways. We even turn a blind eye and continue down this path of distruction and distraction. We either remain inflexible while the other bends backwards. And some of these tactics work in saving the marriage, sometimes not.
I firmly believe that if you have tried everything to save your marriage, that you have given it your all, and it is still not working, there is no shame in saying goodbye and moving on.
We live our lives to be our best selves, if not for ourselves, for our children. In the end we need to show them happiness and not at the expense of others.
I wish my ex all the happiness in the world. And I thank him for our daughter and for very many happy memories and I’m happy to have no regrets or resentment.
This Goose is happy to end this chapter and start a new one.
Oct 03, 2011 @ 13:37:30
I couldn’t agree more. I haven’t been in your situation before and so can’t say firsthand what it’s like, but I have seen so many friends and children ruined, because they forced themselves to stay in a relationship that just wasn’t working.
It’s not giving up, it’s being realistic. No one expects you to be miserable for the rest of your life. I admire people who have the courage to move on and not hold ill-will to the previous partners.
Although I wasn’t married, I was in a 4.5 year relationship that ended. Not sadly, not even mutually, but I think we both realised it wasn’t working. I, like you, wish him nothing of the best and still keep in contact with him. It’s not an easy decision to make, but some people were just not meant to be together.
Congratulations on the start of your new chapter! I wish you all the best!