“There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.”
1918 – 2013
This Goose is Cooked!
06 Dec 2013 Leave a Comment
“There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.”
1918 – 2013
05 Dec 2013 Leave a Comment
This world is like a mountain. Your echo depends on you. If you scream good things, the world will give it back. If you scream bad things, the world will give it back. Even if someone says badly about you, speak well about him. Change your heart to change the world.
~ Shams Tabrizi
04 Dec 2013 Leave a Comment
With the year drawing to a close I cannot help but look back, and in true Virgo spirit, analyse it all for all its deeper meaning. Sometimes we have to step back and realize that there is no deeper meaning. That life just is. What you have before you is what you’ve got. But that Virgo keeps on nudging at me, pestering me with:
“What have you LEARNED?”
“Well okay then…I will tell you if you stop nagging ME!” my head and heart respond with exasperation.
Money isn’t everything but it gets you where you need to go.
Funny enough I have reached the financial goal I have wanted to this year. At the end of this month I will be earning the amount of money I set out to earn in March this year.
Is it doing what I thought I’d be doing?
But do you see me telling the universe “Thanks, but no thanks?”
I am grateful that the universe shifted to provide me the income I now have.
I now have the freedom to pay off my debts, to climb my mountains, to buy that damn expensive equipment to climb those mountains!
You will know it when you find your bliss.
I knew it last year and this year was a series of affirmations of that bliss.
Of course it was my mountains.
But you knew that.
What you may or may not know is that I would sell my soul to spend more time in the mountains. In fact, I think I came damn near close to selling my soul doing just that.
For me it is the wholeness I feel while I am up there. It is the fire that is ignited within me.
Mountains are my bliss.
Be in Integrity with yourself.
I’ve floated in and out of this one more than a mosquito has buzzed in and around your face.
A lot of this has to do with the fact that I perhaps haven’t respected myself enough to look after myself. It is difficult saying no to situations that may be harmful. This I know I will still be working on in the new year but I have made leaps and bounds.
I am honestly trying to make an improvement.
Nothing is Forever.
Friendships, friends, family, lovers, emotions, jobs, seasons, moments and memories are all FINITE.
Everything we have around us has an expiry date.
We cannot say how long any of it will last, all we can do is enjoy the experience while we can.
It’s holding onto these things that do damage.
Life is an act of letting go and not controlling the situation or trying to dictate the outcome of a situation. If we cannot remove ourselves from those situations all we can do is give it up to a higher power to help us release.
Happiness is Within.
I won’t always be smiling. And those close to me know that my moods most times are comparable to a bear with a sore toe at best. That I have radical mood swings and I am difficult to live with at the best of times…just ask my ex husband and my mother.
But happiness isn’t a sustained feeling. If happiness were a state of consistency, well it wouldn’t be so wonderful would it. Sometimes it is good to feel a little crappy, so when you see that pink rose blooming in the garden, that when that puppy dog licks you in the face, that when your daughter laughs just because she knows that it is your favourite sound, that’s when happiness is special, a treasure, a treat.
Most of all, our own happiness, that calm from within, that moment when you know life is just as it should be. That’s within.
I’m a Jackass.
Not in a rude or self harming way. But realizing that I too have been capable of fucking things up royally. That I haven’t been the perfect mother or friend or daughter or sister.
That I too, have broken my own copyright and plagiarism rules on occasion.
That I am capable of a bitterness and a vindictiveness that I didn’t know I was capable of. That I have used my words not only to inspire but to hurt.
That I have judged so many of those around me and let others judge.
I am a jackass.
It takes a year for me to get what I want.
But I get it.
Exactly what I want.
All the time.
Listen to your body.
My body like to screw me over when I am screwing my life over.
Every single time.
If I am not looking after myself mentally, emotionally or physically my body throws back bitch slaps of note.
It’s about listening to even the most subtle of messages. Your body is always giving feedback.
I’ve learned that I am fallible and silly, that I won’t live up to anyone else’s standards, especially not my own. That I will never be perfect and I still don’t know exactly where I am headed even if I may have professed to I don’t know how many times this year.
I have learned…and I want to be humble about it because I know that someone out there right now thinks I am full of it. And I probably have been a lot of the time.
Hell, you have to be full of it to write.
Okay Goose…go to bed now and stop overthinking everything dammit!
But not before this:
“Climb if you will, but remember that courage and strength are nought without prudence, and that a momentary negligence may destroy the happiness of a lifetime. Do nothing in haste; look well to each step; and from the beginning think what may be the end.”
28 Nov 2013 Leave a Comment
“If, in the beginning, there were so few people on the face of the earth, and now there are so many, where did all those new souls come from?”
“The answer is simple. In certain reincarnations, we divide into two. Our souls divide as do crystals and stars, cells and plants.
Our soul divides into two, and those souls are in turn transformed into two and so, within a few generations, we are scattered over a large part of the earth.
We form part of what the Alchemists call the Anima Mundi, the soul of the world; the truth is that if the Anima Mundi were merely to keep dividing, it would keep growing, but it would also become gradually weaker. That is why, as well as dividing into two, we also find ourselves. And the process of finding ourselves is called love. Because when a soul divides, it always divides into a male part and a female part.
In each life, we feel a mysterious obligation to find at least one of those soul mates. The greater love that seperated them feels pleased with the Love that brings them together again.”
“But how will I know who my soul mate is?”
“By taking risks. By risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never ceasing in your search for love. As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end.”
26 Nov 2013 5 Comments
A little less than three months ago I started kickboxing again.
At the time I was going through quite a bit of stress and I wasn’t coping very well. The rage monster was loose and looking back I was a bit of a mess.
Okay, I lie.
I was a big mess.
A confused mess.
There I was, turning thirty, my most well spent birthday, surrounded by my beloved Drakensberg mountains and my closest friends. All of it was surreal. I was so at peace in many ways but seriously strained in others.
It has taken time to realize that as brave and loud I can be I can be just as much a chicken. When I was running to my mountains I was running from society. I still abhor the consumer driven market with all the cattle running scattered here and there from one material quest to another, forgetting that there is a world out there to be explored. Forgetting that there are others in their path to satisfaction. But even the most enlightened people fall prey to this trap.
We want to be beautiful.
We want to be loved.
We want to be strong.
We want acceptance.
We want financial freedom.
We want peace.
Yes we look for all of these things. And we find a little bit of something that gives us that high we chase it doggedly like kids on drugs. We cling to our lovers. We work inhuman hours and forget our families. We spend a fortune on steroids to build muscles and we buy millions of rands on cosmetics and surgery to keep from aging.
We run to the mountains searching for inner peace.
Yes I found a peace on the mountains that you cannot find in the hum of the big city. The fresh air and the green grass and the freezing water and the night sky filled with millions of stars.
That inner peace and electric buzz that used to keep me awake days before going to the mountains and then not sleeping at all while lying in the tent so scared of losing any moments. So scared of coming back to Johannesburg that even now the tears roll.
No, there is no place or feeling or buzz quite like what I have found up there and like an addict I will go back there.
But the reality is I will not, for the foreseeable future, be able to move there. Let us just call it logistics, but the truth is the rat race will be my home for quite some time. There is nothing for me to do about it but accept that fact.
When I came back to the mountains I had to have a good talking to myself. I had to see the bigger picture of my life and start assessing where I was going and how I was going to get to where I wanted to be.
My cottage in the mountains…the one with all the goats and sheep and dogs and cats and a stud muffin husband.
The truth of the matter was that I was going nowhere. I was walking alone on the highway of life, moving toward my goal, but thumbing lifts here and there trying to get there. And the sad fact is it can be summed up in one sentence:
“If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.”
Jim Rohn was right when he said that. As wonderful and giving as we all think we may be our primary concern is ourselves. And so, trying to hitch hike to my dreams culmination was going to take a damn long time because I would first have to assist them in fulfilling their own.
And though charity and giving and self sacrifice are noble gestures, if it comes to the deterioration of your own life circumstances it is time to re evaluate.
It took a good long time to realize that I was not being of very much use to myself or anyone else around me. That I almost became a liability to have around. It took even longer for me to put my pride in my pocket and realize that I wasn’t selling out.
What is the use of having a love and a passion for something so deep but without the resources to fully explore that passion. I was turning into something I didn’t want to be and I had to send in a disaster prevention team before it was too late. And it wasn’t even the fact that I had more than one credit card company calling me everyday threatening to take me to court. I couldn’t be sotted whether I was blacklisted.
My problem was integrity.
I’d agreed to the terms the bank gave me when I took the credit card and maxed it out. I will not play dumb and say they made me do it. I am a grown up woman and I know where my responsibilities lie. I no longer wanted to ride on anyone’s coat tails either. I needed to start paying back my debts. My mother, bless her soul, was one of those people and one of my staunchest supporters.
I also realised that I could take precious bits of that inner peace from the top of the mountains with me. That if I close my eyes and just fill myself with that feeling, a fantastic trick you have to learn, well that is enough to take any pain or rage or anger away.
I have so imprinted the Drakensberg mountains in my minds eye and filled my heart with it that even though I cant be there I can still feel there.
And that’s where the kickboxing begins.
Not only can I go there and then feel all the frustration and let it go, but I have also learned discipline. That I have learned to say no. That I know now that I do not have to just accept things the way they are or be too scared of making a move that others may disapprove of. That if I am not happy I am of no use to anyone.
That life is about finding the centre within yourself and found it doesn’t matter if you are in Johannesburg or in the mountains or swimming the ocean. That peace is embedded in you and the frustrations of life will start slipping of you like water off a ducks back. The inner peace is accepting not only who you are but also all the unreasonable emotions that go with it. That it is alright to cry, and be angry and to be hurt and to want to scream or punch someone in the face.
Inner peace is knowing that nothing lasts forever and as hard as it may be at the time, we need to realize that moments are feathers afloat in the wind.
Peace is about being okay with who you are when you go to bed at night.
My life may not be the dream, it may not be perfect…but it is me.
I am practising that inner peace everyday, as well as that rage monster and the sad sack.
I am truly Four Seasons in one Day.
24 Nov 2013 Leave a Comment
“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”
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